Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2018 0:02:03 GMT -5
I'm standing here, looking at an old photo of me. I was stalky which I've always been but that weight is starting to transform into something less desirable. My hair was a dirty blonde when I didn't shave it off.. The smile I had was a nice one. Those teeth were white and conformed.. My eyes, which were often hard to see but when seen; There was a bright light that illuminated from them. Back then, time hadn't began to take a hold on my body.. It didn't firmly grasp my soul.. Life was good back then.. Many of my family and friends were still with me at this time but I often spent months away from them as I traveled the world.. Many times, when I was home; I wasn't even there.. Often, I'd find myself at the bottom of a bottle, one that would keep coming if I willed it. My mind, it'd discover a new way to lose itself each and every night.. There always something to do back then..
Now, seventeen years later and I'm looking into this picture just before gazing at the mirror which stands before me. I see myself, or what is left of what use to be.. My lips raise so I can see the remnants of what use to be a nice set of teeth. The clean smile, it's no longer there. It now resembles a jagged wasteland..
I pause as I calmly set the picture down onto a shelf before picking up a crystal-clear glass full of everclear. Tonight is after all a night of remembrance.. So I might as well see it through the way I use to... My hand, cautiously raises the glass up to my lips. I get a sudden whiff of the clear yet strong alcohol before diving in hole heartedly. Moments later, the glass was empty and I was left there. Staring back at myself once again.. I traced all of the scars on my face, some wide and long; While others thin and short. My head is without hair but not absent of scars.. The eyes lock onto their reflections to see a small glimmer of life left within these beacons that use to be flooded with life and full of hope.. Yet now, I mostly see that glimmer of light which is fading more and more everyday.. The light is leaving my soul and I know now that one day; It'll leave me forever..
I look upon this life that I've lived and don't know what I was thinking to squander it as I have done. Yet now, I feel so far lost that I'm not sure how to recover. I'm stuck in a rut and as these wheels of mine spin. The whole, it only gets deeper as my wheels only become rounded even more than they were. There is no escape for me.. I hate to admit it but I feel as if I'm the damned. A being that will never have the honor of being truly happy. I feel as if I'll always be this self fueled monstrosity that I've always been.. It seems that was the path for me to take when I was younger and I've always stayed true to the course. Now, I'm feeling remorse as I approach the water hole that has dwindled. Thoughts of depression, anger and hatred fill my mind.
Depression of my life's choices, anger for the way that I never escaped the traps that I'd consistently went to and hatred for all of those that are happy with their life or ignorant to what time will one day bring them...
I envy both of them for their ignorance to my kind of life where I spend all of my time living a lie.. My addictions, they don't make me happy but I need them to feel the freedom from the chains that bind me to my hell on earth... If I could give these fools a taste of my world, I would and I plan on doing so this week once Andrew steps up to me (If he does).. This fool wants to shit on his time yet he doesn't see time as I do...
Andrew, he fails to see that he is at a watering hole drinking out of it while the drought surrounds him. This idiot is thankful for the water that is before him and he takes it for granted much like I did when I was his age.. Yet, what he fails to see is time.. It's shrouded by the blanket of water that surrounds it, just waiting for the right moment to leap from the water to grab it's prey and once it does.. Andrews world; It'll be turned upside down much like mine was.. If he's not careful, his life experiences and the cruel unforgiving grasp of time will either scar him to the point where he's got to live in my footsteps or it'll kill him..
I already hate Andrew's ignorance just as I care even less for his brothers stupidity but Andrew has followed Jamo.. Perhaps, there might be something I can do to turn the tide on Andrew's careless ways.. And just as I stare into these cold black eyes, I swear to myself that I'll show Andrew a taste of my world and hope that he finds water elsewhere for his own good.. I may hate his youth and stupidity. I surely hate him for his opportunities but I can't find it in myself to drag him down to my world. I'm faced with the choice of doing what I can to intercept time and so that I'm able to do all that I can to give Andrew a chance of finding a different way or I should let him meet a portion of what is lurking in the depths? This is the decision that I must make.. He may very well be ignorant to what is going on around him.. Do I let the hate overcome what little light there is left in my eyes.. Should I succumb to the darkness out of hatred and let him fall or am I suppose to show him another path.. These questions still run through my mind as I gaze upon the darkness in the mirror.. I'm not sure what I should do except one thing... I know that I can't wait for him. It is upon me to take what is currently mine in this wretched life that I live.. But I still can't see how I should do it.. Part of me wants this to happen easily without crushing his hopes of progressing but the other side of me feels like that is too easy... This sadistic side of me that is consumed with darkness but still human.. It wants me to obliterate this fool while showing himself another way...
I want to think of other options but I can't allow it because all of the secondary choices; They come from Steele, my true enemy in this life.. So, it seems to me that I'm left with two options that I can control.. And both of them spell out the downfall of Andrew.. One lets it come to the ignorant easily but then; Why should I cater to his stupidity? Maybe I should show him the full onslaught that his brother had felt?
I shake my head in disbelief as I pour another drink..
I'm able to hear him as he speaks to me. The deity of war, Steele.. He want's this child obliterated.. This demon, he's calling for Andrew's blood and I grimace at the thought of ruining another life... After all, I've ruined enough as it stands. Their blood is on my hands and I'll forever feel their guilt as it reigns down upon my broken and beaten soul with a piercing vengeance..
So, once again; I'm left feeling and debating what I should do versus what I shouldn't do. This has been a historical battle on the same front and each time... I've failed horribly.. Which should give some light into what could and will likely happen. That is, if you have half of a brain that'll show you..
I take a deep breath as my hands pour me another stout drink and while they work. My head, it regrets what could possibly come soon but the ruts are too deep. I feel the pain and must give in to this temptation. That is what I've became.. There's no way out for a man like me... Yet I suppose someone will try to reach out very soon. They might try to be that saving force that seeks to rescue me or there's the possibility that they won't even try because they will recognize that I am in fact damned and there is no help to pull me out of the unforgiving spot that I'm in.
Never the less, I accept this drink and let it cloud a piece of me so that I'm able to forget what has became a reality. And it is with this drink that I realize that I mustn't give this young man any mercy. It is times like these where I've been created to fulfill.. Moments where I've got to be the battering ram that must be relentless in putting this chap down.. So that maybe, he might consider a change in his life.. I accept the reality that I must be cruel to this naive young man so that he might direct himself to face the sun.
While I know that all bets are off, each and every single one of you chiming in will understand why I'm so mean when the time comes. There will be no questioning the reasons for my tenacity once that bell rings.. I will beat Andrew into a bloody pulp much like I wish that someone had done so to me when I took this destructive path but that person wasn't there and here I am.. Once again feeling hatred.. This moment.. I've got to handle for both of us Andrew. I must be the man to satisfy my demons while showing you exactly what you're getting yourself into if you wish to continue on..
I stare off into the mirror as my vision begins to fade to the point where I am exactly what I deserve to be. Dormant and non existent for the time being but eventually. You, will look into my gaze and you'll find yourself surrounded by doubt in yourself and the charade that you once believed in. Once that moment comes. There will be no subtle hints. I'll demolish those walls that you believe to be strong and I'll turn you into the young boy that you try to hide.. Much like I did your brother...
