My disease..

It was late at night. Visibility inside my darkened room wasn't even slightly possible when I heard the phone sitting next to my bed begin ringing. My hand reaches in the direction of the table before it grasps onto the phone. From there, I quickly answer it too see who is calling me.

"Hello?" I call out.

"What can I do for you?" is what I ask.

"Oh, sure. I'll be there in the morning to help you lay blacktop." is what I inform the person on the other end of the line.

"It's no problem Greg; Afterall, I could use a good workout just like you need a hand.. Yep, good night." was the last thing I said before hanging up. The creaks coming from the matress as I twist and push my body into a sitting up position. From there, I reach forward to lay the phone down onto a table that I know is sitting there in the darkness just to the right of my body while slightly to the west of the edge of the bed. Then I find the base of the base of the lamp on the table before following its contour up to the switch.

With a flick of my wrist, the glass bulb illuminates and I can see. This head of mine, slightly hangs while I squint my eyes. A few moments go by before my eyes fully open and pan to a half drank bottle of Kentucky Cornshine. My hand, grabs the bottle before returning to the side of my body. The next thing my brain registered was the burning in the throat. Then I could feel it in my stomach.

I'd like to tell you of how the burning was a glorious sign that was about to bring great things out of me but that wasn't the case. That drink and the ones that will surely follow only further cemented the fact that I'm a lost cause. One that'll never break free from these chains. I've had plenty of chances to say no but each and every time I don't resist. While a part of me wants to quit. That section in my mind is the minority. The rest of me yearns to continue tasting from the forbidden fruit. I can only blame myself for this disease because I truly bring it on myself everyday.. And every day, there is always another excuse..

My neck twists a bit to let out a loud crack before I push myself off of the bed into a standing position. I'm so stiff that it takes me a little bit to straighten up. A series of loud cracks can be heard as I overcome the slouching posture that I was previously standing with.

I slowly turn my head towards the clock in hopse that I won't feel another uncomfortable pop in this abused bones of mine. It's 4 am and I know that I've got to lay blacktop soon but first; I need to wake up.. My head turns to look at a shelf that is holding up many full bottles of Kentucky Cornshine. I reach out and grasp onto one before turning around to walk out of the bedroom door. Every step I take down the pitchblack hall is slow and painful. I eagerly crack the cap off of the bottle before I begin drinking while walking down the long hall of my house. The next thing I know it, I can feel my free hand reach out into the abyss. A few turns and the room is lit up just as the last drops of that now estinguished bottle left behind an urge for more.

Eagerly my feet move my body through the opening in the wall that leads to the kitchen. Where I turn on the coffee maker. It gurgles for many seconds before a dark blend of coffee begins dripping out into the pot. I leave that pot because I don't drink coffee. That pot is there to assist in relaxing my nerves. It's also there to help me feel as if I might be productive today. A mental crutch..

Instead, I move over to the fridge and pull it open to see red meats along with alot of wine and beer. I've got many drinks around here. I truly like to pick my poison for whatever moment I may feel upon me. Currently I feel like I having something sweet for breakfast. So I latch onto a bottle of Wild Irish Rose "Moscato" and crack the top after I sit at the kitchen table.

The peach colored liquid begins to flow that morning while I reflect on the life that I've lived. One where I've squandered everything good that came into my life. My father who is a good and caring man. My former wife, and child who I miss dearly but they'll never know that their in my thoughts every single day..

Most of my former friends are gone. I've left myself with very little in this life to enjoy. Luxuries are a thing of the past. The only thing I've got left are memories of what life use to be and even those are fleetingly leaving my thoughts. Each day that goes by. Those beacons are disappearing one at at time and slowly; As time goes by.. I'm becoming what I scorned. It seems as if that curse is falling upon me with a tightening grip.

Back when I lived life in the fast lane, my drinking and drugs was for fun. I loved how I felt without any fear of repercussions. I was young back then and nothing mattered is what I told myself as I once again began letting the bottle flow but this time unlike many others; It was only a brief surge before the bottle leaves my lips only to be placed on the table infront of me and replaced by a lit cigarette.

I begin to think about the recent events and how I'd lost something that I lately didn't hold dear to me. The SFT World Championship.. Lucas tried to find a way for himself to insert his will into my life while instead he ended up holding what I felt was a burden. Seeing that I felt that way about the world title. It was what should've happened.

Now, Emerson holds onto that burden that he will eventually feel. Perhaps he is a better man than those before him or maybe he will fold soon.. Only time will tell.

Now, as I take another drink from this bottle of wine I suddenly feel the chains begin to weaken. Each and every drink I take makes me push that harder. This is a struggle that continues until its time to go to work. I'm feeling the affects of the booze and it's time for me to sober up but the minute I choose to let up is the moment where I've doom myself to the cold hardened truth of reality that'll bring a sickness that is crippling..

 So I reach into the fridge and grab the carbenated drink known as Michelobe Amberboch because it's time to get movin, I place six of them into a sack before grabbing "one" more for the trip but in all reality. If you'd ask the police, I'm already sick and I'm the type of the person that they'd tell you is an endangerment to your life. They want to make you think that I'm the bane to society but in reality; It's the other way around.

The Fact is, they over sale things. Sure, I've got a vice just like whoever is reading this. That's the fact of life . Those things never end. But I'm the piece of shit because I'm going to kill you when you and I cross paths on the road.. I dont have a right to get home safely if I'm in this state of mind because I'm the fucking demon on the streets. They paint the picture that I'm out to kill you. Yet, while in reality. I'm the guy that takes every long and abandoned route to get where Im going in hopes that I don't meet you or the police on the road. Yet Im the bad guy. Maybe their right or perhaps they want to demonize me. Either way, I couldn't give a fuck about their checkpoints because likely. They'll never see me. When I go places in this state of mind, I am honestly the fucking ghost.If I do happen to run across you then I'll be sure to slow down and give you plenty of room because I'd rather go in the ditch than to hit someone head on but they won't tell you that. They'll want to brainwash you into thinking that I'm your enemy just so you'll continue to accept their every increasing grip on your life.... Yet if I run into them on them long and often unseen routes, then I'll be sure to get a piece of them for the fact that they will soon bring more trouble to my life and seeing things in that light. I might as well make them earn their keep.. Afterall, their about to cause trouble, not me; I might as well get something out of it.. Don't get me wrong, I'm not out looking for them. I don't want to cause them any trouble but I've experienced a portion of what they can bring and it was that portion with many others that taught me to never make it easy on them when the time came because they wouldn't return the favor. After everything, I couldn't give a shit about them except for the fact that their about to make my life even harder.. Yet they want you to think that I'm the devil.. I'm not the trouble maker. I just want to live my life and have what little fun I can while doing it. Trust me though, regardless of what it seems. I'm suffering inside more than I'd ever let on. I couldn't describe everything even though I want to try. Yet I do the best I can.. That's all I can do. You all can take this how you want. Feel free to think that I'm justifying my addiction or understand that I'm presenting another portion of the sickness that I feel to all of you. A new light to the disease that afflicts someone like me.. One that the government wouldn't dare to share with you. I'm not out to hurt you if your not out to get me. I simply pass your path much like you might cross mine. Anyways, thats enough talk, the clock is registering at fifteen minutes past five and it's time for me to hit the road. I've got a duty that I must oversee..

With the bag in my hand, I walk up to the door and open it before pulling an Amberbock out to drink. The scene fades to black before these words begin flowing from the bottom of the screen to the top of it.

Twilight, I can't predict what I'm going to do. I try to but it's not that simple. I'm only able to try and right now at this moment; My heart is overridding my concious. The pain that I'll feel when it's all done means absolutely nothing at this time. The only thing that matters is subsiding the sickness that I feel right now and that's what I'm doing.. One drink at a time..

You wanted this Twilight, it was you that asked for it and while I try to help you predict the storm. I simply can't and it's time that you understand that. There is no easy mode.. You can't listen to me. I'm not to be trusted anytime Twilight.. While I want to try and put a limit on things. I simply can't because that would be like asking me to limit myself to the life source that relieves the pain that I feel.. When everything comes down to it. I'll do what I have to for myself Twilight. Because that's the way we have to get by.. If I would've tried it any way, I wouldn't of survived all of this time.. The best advice that I can give you right now, uncensored is to dig deep. Quit wasting time because time will not wait for you and neither will I when it comes down to our lives clashing. It's always been survival of the fittest and you make no mistake about it Twilight. This match that you're about to step into is a way of life. The weak will crumble while the strong will trudge onto the next battle that comes their way..

You once thought Saint Jude was a tough person to shoot on. Because he is, there's no denying that but I'm a tough person to wage war with also and soon; You'll understand that. Remember this Twilight, you never know what I'm capable of until it's all over. You can only imagine... And for now, I'll leave you to consider that. I want to wish you the best but honestly; This is war and I simply can't because that would damn myself.. Instead, I'll say that you need to choose your fight carefully.. Good night...