Post by Joey on Jun 8, 2017 14:05:35 GMT -5
The scene is Louies back yard on south padre island, its early around 11am. The place has just opened. This place is pretty much empty, just a few employees and Redd. He sits on outside under the large umbrellas, sipping slowly on a gin and tonic. He looks out over the beach, not that many people, cept for a few families who play by the surf where the water meets the sand. He sees the families, and wants to turn away. He wonders for a moment what life would have been like for him had he gone a different route. What if he had married and had children. It stirs feelings he thought long since dormant or long since dead.
In his mind he sees himself married by now. His wife would have short brown hair, down to almost her shoulders. A wirey smile that only he could love. Her eyes would be faded green, her name would be Georgia, like the state. They would have had a daughter, her name would have been Kaylee. She would have light brown hair, almost blonde. She would be three years old by now, but she still carries her pacifier. She calls it her “mo”. She wont let it go, she wont sleep without it, it is her friend, her security blanket. She loves it. And Redd smiles everytime she grabs hold of it. To love something so simple seems almost too good to be true. Kaylee would be wearing a little pink bathing suit with patrick starfish on it, she would have been a big spongebob fan. That and Dora the explorer would have been her favorite shows. Kaylee would rush towards the water all the while giggling, as soon as the water would touch her toes and feet she would run back to us all the while laughing. I would sit on the sand with Georgia watching Kaylee play with the ocean. I would dig my feet into the warm sand feeling the grains of sand mush in between my toes. All the while holding Georgias hand, as she plays with my fingers. This here, this scene, right here, right now is my idea of what heaven is. I could of stayed in that moment forever. Problem is, its not real. Its a life that never happened. It could of happened. But I chose different. I chose a different path. I chose wrong.
I am back on the beach but this time in my current reality. A gin and tonic before me. And the terrible reality of what my life is haunts me. I wish I could have done things different. But whats done is done. I sit here in a tacky Hawaiian shirt, my hair combed back, khakis, and some black shoes. I look like a man who has nothing better to do than drink at 11am on a Thursday. My life is crap. And I could have had it all, instead I chose nothing.
I take the swizzle stick in my drink and turn it clockwise in the drink, I see the lime wedge swirl through the drink and I have the urge to get it throw it against a wall. I want to get up and flip this little table on its side, punch a wall. I dont want this world anymore! I hate this reality!
But I realize I have no one to blame but myself. Things are as they are because thats the choices I made. Things are as they should be.
I pick up my drink with my left hand. The glass feels cool at my touch. The cold liquid within tempting me to drink. Its not even noon yet and its already 99 degrees. I take a large drink this time, the lemony taste of the gin and tonic moving fast, cooling then warming my stomach. The hatred within me disappearing. And for some reason I feel like going to bed, taking a book in my hands and reading till I finally fall asleep. I want to be away from the world, lose myself in another. Reading will help do that. It is the hobby of the lonely. To read, to forget, to stop being at least for the time being.
And how nice that would be. To stop being. If only life were that simple.
But life is not that simple. Is it Lucas? I've know you. I know of you. The life you lead, the war torn countries you inhabited. Your homes, your life, they molded you, made you who and what you are. You are a product of your world. But me, I am a product of my choices. You had no choice, you were made into the man you are today. But me, I am the monster I am because of my own choices. Nothing made me. I made myself. And that friend is something worse. You can blame your past, the wars, your homes, everything, you can lay blame for what you are and you have every right. But me. Its all on me. I gave up a good life. I followed Legion. I turned my back on my family. I left. I hated. I raged.
My soul is not at rest. I dont think I will ever truly know rest. Amid the turmoil that I endure each day. I shouldnt of returned to SFT. I should have left my brother be, and now we are at war, our very own civil war. And when it comes to brothers at arms, there is never truly a winner. Jude and I are blood, we will overcome the troubles we currently experience as brothers always do.
But people like Lucas and I will never overcome. We always end up digging in deeper and instead of making our lives easier and better, we make things worse, oh so much worse. Am I right Lucas? You know I am. I have known men like you all my life. The ones who think that no one can understand their pain, or the harsh lives they have led. That they are alone in this world. That no one cares about them and in turn they care about no one. That they are a nightmare island, and they like it like that. They dont have to answer to anyone or care about anyone. The pain they feel inside they take it out on others. And in turn they excuse it as protecting anyone who might care for them or vice versa. You see yourself as a complicated man, and that few could ever come close to understanding your pain, your hate, your life.
Tell me I am wrong? I dare you.
And you might spout things about, how you think I want glory or titles, or whatever comes out of you. The truth is, I have never been about titles. You see Lucas, some people live life not for glory, gold or fame. Some live life to burn their world down, to try and prove that not god or anyone else decides our fates. And we are stupid for believing such a thing. And yet its all we know..
That is all I have to say for today.
..Fade...to….Darkness…..
In his mind he sees himself married by now. His wife would have short brown hair, down to almost her shoulders. A wirey smile that only he could love. Her eyes would be faded green, her name would be Georgia, like the state. They would have had a daughter, her name would have been Kaylee. She would have light brown hair, almost blonde. She would be three years old by now, but she still carries her pacifier. She calls it her “mo”. She wont let it go, she wont sleep without it, it is her friend, her security blanket. She loves it. And Redd smiles everytime she grabs hold of it. To love something so simple seems almost too good to be true. Kaylee would be wearing a little pink bathing suit with patrick starfish on it, she would have been a big spongebob fan. That and Dora the explorer would have been her favorite shows. Kaylee would rush towards the water all the while giggling, as soon as the water would touch her toes and feet she would run back to us all the while laughing. I would sit on the sand with Georgia watching Kaylee play with the ocean. I would dig my feet into the warm sand feeling the grains of sand mush in between my toes. All the while holding Georgias hand, as she plays with my fingers. This here, this scene, right here, right now is my idea of what heaven is. I could of stayed in that moment forever. Problem is, its not real. Its a life that never happened. It could of happened. But I chose different. I chose a different path. I chose wrong.
I am back on the beach but this time in my current reality. A gin and tonic before me. And the terrible reality of what my life is haunts me. I wish I could have done things different. But whats done is done. I sit here in a tacky Hawaiian shirt, my hair combed back, khakis, and some black shoes. I look like a man who has nothing better to do than drink at 11am on a Thursday. My life is crap. And I could have had it all, instead I chose nothing.
I take the swizzle stick in my drink and turn it clockwise in the drink, I see the lime wedge swirl through the drink and I have the urge to get it throw it against a wall. I want to get up and flip this little table on its side, punch a wall. I dont want this world anymore! I hate this reality!
But I realize I have no one to blame but myself. Things are as they are because thats the choices I made. Things are as they should be.
I pick up my drink with my left hand. The glass feels cool at my touch. The cold liquid within tempting me to drink. Its not even noon yet and its already 99 degrees. I take a large drink this time, the lemony taste of the gin and tonic moving fast, cooling then warming my stomach. The hatred within me disappearing. And for some reason I feel like going to bed, taking a book in my hands and reading till I finally fall asleep. I want to be away from the world, lose myself in another. Reading will help do that. It is the hobby of the lonely. To read, to forget, to stop being at least for the time being.
And how nice that would be. To stop being. If only life were that simple.
But life is not that simple. Is it Lucas? I've know you. I know of you. The life you lead, the war torn countries you inhabited. Your homes, your life, they molded you, made you who and what you are. You are a product of your world. But me, I am a product of my choices. You had no choice, you were made into the man you are today. But me, I am the monster I am because of my own choices. Nothing made me. I made myself. And that friend is something worse. You can blame your past, the wars, your homes, everything, you can lay blame for what you are and you have every right. But me. Its all on me. I gave up a good life. I followed Legion. I turned my back on my family. I left. I hated. I raged.
My soul is not at rest. I dont think I will ever truly know rest. Amid the turmoil that I endure each day. I shouldnt of returned to SFT. I should have left my brother be, and now we are at war, our very own civil war. And when it comes to brothers at arms, there is never truly a winner. Jude and I are blood, we will overcome the troubles we currently experience as brothers always do.
But people like Lucas and I will never overcome. We always end up digging in deeper and instead of making our lives easier and better, we make things worse, oh so much worse. Am I right Lucas? You know I am. I have known men like you all my life. The ones who think that no one can understand their pain, or the harsh lives they have led. That they are alone in this world. That no one cares about them and in turn they care about no one. That they are a nightmare island, and they like it like that. They dont have to answer to anyone or care about anyone. The pain they feel inside they take it out on others. And in turn they excuse it as protecting anyone who might care for them or vice versa. You see yourself as a complicated man, and that few could ever come close to understanding your pain, your hate, your life.
Tell me I am wrong? I dare you.
And you might spout things about, how you think I want glory or titles, or whatever comes out of you. The truth is, I have never been about titles. You see Lucas, some people live life not for glory, gold or fame. Some live life to burn their world down, to try and prove that not god or anyone else decides our fates. And we are stupid for believing such a thing. And yet its all we know..
That is all I have to say for today.
..Fade...to….Darkness…..
