Post by Emerson on Jul 23, 2020 14:13:49 GMT -5
The end has come for me.
The scene is Austin. Emerson has decided to go see his aunt, she is sick, she is old. And time is not on her side.
Family has always been a weird thing for me. I never had a good relationship with my parents. My father was an abusive person. My mother was so disconnected it felt like she wasn't there most of the time. Off in her own little world. As if she were trying to fast forward her own life. Till she finally did.
I try hard to be the opposite of the way my father was. I too drink but nowhere what he did. And I try to be involved in my sons life. I go to all the parent teach meetings. I’ll even bake cookies for when we have fundraisers. Though I fear there will be no school for kids this year due to the pandemic and I cannot work from home. So there will be some tough choices coming my way very very soon. But that is what life is about these days. Making the hard choice.
The choices I have always made has been for my son. Where I live, where I work, who I let in my life. If it does not benefit my son, then I do not let that choice in our lives. Some parents can pick and choose, they have the right job, the right money, the right partner, the right home, the right school, the right life. But most of us are never that lucky to have all that much less one of those.
It is those choices that help define not only our future but that of our children. My future is set, and it is bleak. But that is OK. The life I try to make for me and mine is all that matters.
You see Lucas, you are still at an age where you are trying hard to define your own life. Make sense of it all. You are fighting your past, fighting your demons, fighting yourself. And I have most past all that, hell I moved past that a long time ago. I’ve made my peace with my life. You on the other hand have so much unresolved things going on its not even funny. You seem so intent on keeping your life like a sad novel. Life is sad, life will always be sad for us. Time to move on. Make lemonade out of those lemons hahaha. My point is simple. You have left life mold you into the harsh tough individual that you are now. But you cannot let that define you forever. Do not, because if that is all that your life is and will be, then that is no life at all. You need to have a little joy in your life. Something to look forward to, if not something to live for.
Don't you ever just buy a pizza and smile as you eat? Hear a song that reminds you of someone you were sweet on as a kid? An old movie that you secretly love? Something, anything! Life cannot be that bleak for you, it should not be that bad for anyone. I feel for you Lucas I really do.
I know you have said that I am nothing to you. At least not in the grand scheme that is your life. I am sorry you feel that way. I know that your life would be the same with or without me. I am of no consequence to you. But you my friend have meant quite a lot to me. Even if we only have a few ties that bind. You are a good man even if you will not admit it. You think that because of whats been done to you and what you had to do makes you “ice”. You do not care what society dictates anymore. You are Lucas Balkan like it or not. You do not care what others think. And I think that's awesome. But deep down you seek that normal life. Well as normal as one such as yourself can be.
Friendship goes a long way and sometimes I wonder if you have ever had anyone truly call you friend? I often wondered where in the world you were when you left here. I wondered if you were OK.? I wondered if you healthy and safe? I hoped you were. I am not calling you my blood brother, nor best friend. But Lucas I care about you and your well being. Often I would ask Harold if he had any contact with you. Most times the answer would be no. Every now and again someone new would sign on withsFTand I wondered if it was secretly you under a new name and wearing a mask. Each time no.
I care about Jack much like that. We are not close friends but I see him like a little brother in a way. Young and carefree. I look out for him when I can. Lucas to care for someone other than yourself is not a weakness. It is not a character flaw. It is a strength. Because when you give a shit about anyone else, you save the world just a little bit. Redemption is something few ever ask for and few ever get. I do not know your entire life but I think a part of you is seeking that final place to call home. To redeem yourself in the eyes of your demons, or god or whatever you might believe in. And you may not care too much about yourself or what may happen to you and your life. But I care, and I hope that if you win the world title that you find a little bit of peace in that life of yours. Even if it is at my expense.
If I retain the world title, fine. It will not change me, not a bit. I will be who I am. Emerson Embry. But if I lose, it will still not change who I am. A title does not define me. It does not make me better, it does not make me worse. The world title does not make me happy, and not having it does not make me sad. What will the world title do for you Lucas? Because if the world title will bring a smile to your life, then I say, try as hard as you can. But I will also say you need more in your life than a world title. My hand will always be open to you in friendship, if you wish to shake it or not that's up to you.
I arrive at my aunts place. And my stomach turns. I hate saying possible goodbyes to family and friends. Because once they are gone they are not coming back. I wish I could of spent more time with her while I had the chance. And that will bother me for a long time. Because time is all we have and what we choose to do with it says a lot about the type of persons we are. I should of done better, I should have been better.
That is all I have to say. Time for me to
Fade away
The scene is Austin. Emerson has decided to go see his aunt, she is sick, she is old. And time is not on her side.
Family has always been a weird thing for me. I never had a good relationship with my parents. My father was an abusive person. My mother was so disconnected it felt like she wasn't there most of the time. Off in her own little world. As if she were trying to fast forward her own life. Till she finally did.
I try hard to be the opposite of the way my father was. I too drink but nowhere what he did. And I try to be involved in my sons life. I go to all the parent teach meetings. I’ll even bake cookies for when we have fundraisers. Though I fear there will be no school for kids this year due to the pandemic and I cannot work from home. So there will be some tough choices coming my way very very soon. But that is what life is about these days. Making the hard choice.
The choices I have always made has been for my son. Where I live, where I work, who I let in my life. If it does not benefit my son, then I do not let that choice in our lives. Some parents can pick and choose, they have the right job, the right money, the right partner, the right home, the right school, the right life. But most of us are never that lucky to have all that much less one of those.
It is those choices that help define not only our future but that of our children. My future is set, and it is bleak. But that is OK. The life I try to make for me and mine is all that matters.
You see Lucas, you are still at an age where you are trying hard to define your own life. Make sense of it all. You are fighting your past, fighting your demons, fighting yourself. And I have most past all that, hell I moved past that a long time ago. I’ve made my peace with my life. You on the other hand have so much unresolved things going on its not even funny. You seem so intent on keeping your life like a sad novel. Life is sad, life will always be sad for us. Time to move on. Make lemonade out of those lemons hahaha. My point is simple. You have left life mold you into the harsh tough individual that you are now. But you cannot let that define you forever. Do not, because if that is all that your life is and will be, then that is no life at all. You need to have a little joy in your life. Something to look forward to, if not something to live for.
Don't you ever just buy a pizza and smile as you eat? Hear a song that reminds you of someone you were sweet on as a kid? An old movie that you secretly love? Something, anything! Life cannot be that bleak for you, it should not be that bad for anyone. I feel for you Lucas I really do.
I know you have said that I am nothing to you. At least not in the grand scheme that is your life. I am sorry you feel that way. I know that your life would be the same with or without me. I am of no consequence to you. But you my friend have meant quite a lot to me. Even if we only have a few ties that bind. You are a good man even if you will not admit it. You think that because of whats been done to you and what you had to do makes you “ice”. You do not care what society dictates anymore. You are Lucas Balkan like it or not. You do not care what others think. And I think that's awesome. But deep down you seek that normal life. Well as normal as one such as yourself can be.
Friendship goes a long way and sometimes I wonder if you have ever had anyone truly call you friend? I often wondered where in the world you were when you left here. I wondered if you were OK.? I wondered if you healthy and safe? I hoped you were. I am not calling you my blood brother, nor best friend. But Lucas I care about you and your well being. Often I would ask Harold if he had any contact with you. Most times the answer would be no. Every now and again someone new would sign on withsFTand I wondered if it was secretly you under a new name and wearing a mask. Each time no.
I care about Jack much like that. We are not close friends but I see him like a little brother in a way. Young and carefree. I look out for him when I can. Lucas to care for someone other than yourself is not a weakness. It is not a character flaw. It is a strength. Because when you give a shit about anyone else, you save the world just a little bit. Redemption is something few ever ask for and few ever get. I do not know your entire life but I think a part of you is seeking that final place to call home. To redeem yourself in the eyes of your demons, or god or whatever you might believe in. And you may not care too much about yourself or what may happen to you and your life. But I care, and I hope that if you win the world title that you find a little bit of peace in that life of yours. Even if it is at my expense.
If I retain the world title, fine. It will not change me, not a bit. I will be who I am. Emerson Embry. But if I lose, it will still not change who I am. A title does not define me. It does not make me better, it does not make me worse. The world title does not make me happy, and not having it does not make me sad. What will the world title do for you Lucas? Because if the world title will bring a smile to your life, then I say, try as hard as you can. But I will also say you need more in your life than a world title. My hand will always be open to you in friendship, if you wish to shake it or not that's up to you.
I arrive at my aunts place. And my stomach turns. I hate saying possible goodbyes to family and friends. Because once they are gone they are not coming back. I wish I could of spent more time with her while I had the chance. And that will bother me for a long time. Because time is all we have and what we choose to do with it says a lot about the type of persons we are. I should of done better, I should have been better.
That is all I have to say. Time for me to
Fade away
