Post by Joey on Jun 11, 2020 1:21:21 GMT -5
The scene is San Antonio TX. Home to many, but specifically to Saint Jude. He has had a long morning. The air conditioning in his home has stopped working. In Texas, you must have AC, or else you might not make it through the summer months which in Texas is about 6 months. So I have been on hold with the people who installed the central air. I have been on hold 35 minutes and my anger has been growing with each minute.
(sitting on the sofa wearing a white tshirt and blue jeans, no socks no shoes) His hair has started to grow again, and he thinks its time he got a hair cut. Silly thoughts that are entertained. But as sweat falls down his neck and back, the angers keeps growing.
That seems all I feel nowadays. Just anger, hatred, depression, despair. The four basic food groups of emotions, at least for me.
My grip on my LG cell phone keeps increasing and growing as if I might break this phone between my fingers. My right knee is shaking, jumping back and forth up and down as if I were nervous. But I am not nervous, just annoyed.
When you are young you want everything to speed up. You have no patience for anything nor anyone. You just want to get to where you are going, get there quickly, do what you got to do and get out. Life is so slow, you just get to hate it. Then you get old and life is too fast and you want to slow things down, have more of those good days rather than bad days. As you get older you get bogged down with responsibilities. You get a home, a car, a wife, children, whatever it may be, bills pile up, credit card debt piles up and you don't know if you are coming and going. You are outside on a Saturday morning mowing your lawn and your friends ask you how you can afford such a place and you smile shyly and say you are up to your eyeballs in debt and it will be your children who will have to finish paying off that house. Yeah its like that.
We go day by day hoping that something somehow changes but it does not. It never changes. You fall in love only to discover the love or your life will sleep with anyone, man or woman, but oh its just sex it doesn't mean anything. Then you discover you just don't care about her or anyone you end up being a bigger bag of scum than her. Its all so relative. People do not care, people are selfish and will always fail you in the end. Tell me that I am wrong. I dare you.
There is no hope. There is nothing to hope for. Just the end. And you feel like all is lost. I search for the end but it eludes me. I look for the meaning of life and I find myself laughing as if such a thing could ever have a meaning.
I am lost. I have always been lost. And when I try to keep hold of my family and friends they slip away. I cannot hold them, I lose them if I try. And I cannot join them where they go, and I curse god for this.
I do not know what is wrong with me. And each second these air conditioning people keep me on hold I just start going over the top. I know exactly what is wrong with me. I do not care for my life anymore. I am tired of living. I am tired of it all. I do not want this gift granted to me by the almighty. And I know how that sounds. Makes me sound like a stupid kid who doesn't appreciate the gift of life they have been bestowed. I know it, trust me I know it. But I’m tired of this life and I am ready for the next one.
When I was a kid I was told to study hard, eat right, say my prayers and god would make sure everything would be OK. But it never happened. I prayed, why didn't he keep his part of the deal?
I do not know why I am so unhappy. I have my health, I make a decent living, I have a girlfriend now, a good one. Sister of Shadow, and I have a lil money saved up, a working car with working ac and if I don't get off hold very soon I will be sleeping in said car.
But there is something in me, I don't know what it is. I want to go now. Meet my father, punch him in the face, see my mother, my friend my brother. I want to walk through the meadows and not have to be so damn depressed. I want to smile again. I want to laugh.
I don't want to stand in line behind some idiot, I mean if you are standing in line at mcdonalds for 9 or 10 and then you finally get to the front and you start looking up and starting going “Ummm give me a minute” I mean for gods sake all that time waiting and you still don't know what you want!
I want to take this phone and throw it against the wall. I don't want to sit in jury duty and pray that I get chosen this time so I don't have to go back to my brain dead job. And spill out whats left of my soul to people who just do not deserve it.
(Your call is important to us and the next available agent will be right with you as soon as possible)
If someone does not answer the phone soon I may not be around to talk.
(I get up, kick my sofa with my left hand, sit back down again and start punching the pillows on the sofa)
Answer the phone, just answer the damn phone! Why wont you answer the phone? Why? Why? Son of a
Why does life have to be like this? The priest in our old church from when I was a kid used to say that life is hard because only then can we appreciate life for what it is. Which I just find to be a load of bs. Life is hard because nothing is easy. Life is hard because we make it that way. Yea, we get complacent and when things are going good for us, we mess things up. Because deep down we know we do not deserve to be happy. We reject the notion. And it is only when we are miserable and at the end of our ropes that we finally accept life.
So I guess I was right when I said we have no one else to blame but ourselves. God gives us the tools to make our lives great and we end up destroying it and then blaming the one who gave us the tools. I am an idiot. I know it. I have always known it.
But it doesn't change the fact that I want to move on. I want to be able to close my eyes at night and fall asleep and not stay up half the night twisting and turning or having to resort to sleeping pills. I want to wake up and not curse anyone or anything for that new day.
God I am not asking so much. I just want to be OK. with things if even for a single moment. Is that so much to ask?
(I am sorry but our offices are closed please call back tomorrow)
I stand up and throw my cell phone against the wall as it shatters, sending pieces all over the place. Great now I gotta go buy a new phone.
What do I do now? I guess I should help Emerson out. Seems luck has paired us together. And honestly I do not think he needs my help. Emerson has that knack of finding ways to rise to the occasion and to overcome those odds and win. Win with that heart of his. He truly is the best of us. A single father, taking care of a sons with Downs Syndrone. I spent the last 5 minutes complaining about my life and now I feel like a jerk when I see what he does every single day of his life. Something he will do for the rest of his life. He has every right to be angry at god for the hand he was dealt and instead just has love. Love for his family, love for his life, love for the little he has. So why cant I feel just a little like him. I am a jerk.
Apokalyse spoke, didn't really have much to say, just how Emerson is stupid for talking about food. I think Apok was not listening. Do you know you can tell a lot about a person if you look at what they eat? If you eat a burger with mustard it means you are more grounded, a more serious person. Ketchup on your burger you like to laugh, mayo you like the finer things in life.
If you like fish it means you have an inclination to more complexity in your life, that you can juggle most things in life, as such fish can be prepared in many variations as you might of seen in the Louis Cypher promo.
If you like sweets it means you are not as strong willed as others and do not like to take leads in many things.
I could go on but I will not.
Apok you have been impressive so far, but I think complements fall on you, deafness seems to be another suit of you. You do not hear when people talk to you or about you. You hear what you want to hear. And I am like that sometimes as well. You take things for granted as well. You hold no regard for the title you currently hold, all you see if the title you do not hold. Again I can related. Never thankful for what you have only angry for what you do not have.
Then there is my old friend Twilight. God cursed you too, and yet you do not seem to hate him and as such you should. You are damned to oblivion, to a way station that does not let you go. Hunted and hated, for all eternity. Never even given the chance to redeem yourself in the eyes of the almighty. Is that fair? You do not even get to plead your case, just keep being sent back again and again, everyone else enters heaven, enters paradise but not you. No, not you. So obviously you did something along the way that brought this upon you. What was it?
When I was a little boy I used to think that I would be taken into gods embrace after a full happy life. But I was wrong. Life is not a race, not a marathon, its just series of unfortunate events after more horrible events, till we are taken or dragged into the hereafter with a sigh and thanking god for finally letting it end.
I wish I was better in every way. I wish I could pass on some great wisdom to anyone watching this. And tell you that its all going to be OK. But to be honest I do not know if it will be OK. I really don't. All I can tell you is that this world isn't for everyone. Some of us want a little bit of that sun on us and that feeling that things wont always be like this. But most times it is this way till the day when its not.
I want to you all guidance and lead you into the warmth of gods embrace, show you that I am the leader that SFT deserves. But deep down I know SFT deserves better than me. Always has.
I am nothing.
And I am sorry for that. I am sorry to you all.
That is it.
No more.
…Fade….to.….Darkness…...
(sitting on the sofa wearing a white tshirt and blue jeans, no socks no shoes) His hair has started to grow again, and he thinks its time he got a hair cut. Silly thoughts that are entertained. But as sweat falls down his neck and back, the angers keeps growing.
That seems all I feel nowadays. Just anger, hatred, depression, despair. The four basic food groups of emotions, at least for me.
My grip on my LG cell phone keeps increasing and growing as if I might break this phone between my fingers. My right knee is shaking, jumping back and forth up and down as if I were nervous. But I am not nervous, just annoyed.
When you are young you want everything to speed up. You have no patience for anything nor anyone. You just want to get to where you are going, get there quickly, do what you got to do and get out. Life is so slow, you just get to hate it. Then you get old and life is too fast and you want to slow things down, have more of those good days rather than bad days. As you get older you get bogged down with responsibilities. You get a home, a car, a wife, children, whatever it may be, bills pile up, credit card debt piles up and you don't know if you are coming and going. You are outside on a Saturday morning mowing your lawn and your friends ask you how you can afford such a place and you smile shyly and say you are up to your eyeballs in debt and it will be your children who will have to finish paying off that house. Yeah its like that.
We go day by day hoping that something somehow changes but it does not. It never changes. You fall in love only to discover the love or your life will sleep with anyone, man or woman, but oh its just sex it doesn't mean anything. Then you discover you just don't care about her or anyone you end up being a bigger bag of scum than her. Its all so relative. People do not care, people are selfish and will always fail you in the end. Tell me that I am wrong. I dare you.
There is no hope. There is nothing to hope for. Just the end. And you feel like all is lost. I search for the end but it eludes me. I look for the meaning of life and I find myself laughing as if such a thing could ever have a meaning.
I am lost. I have always been lost. And when I try to keep hold of my family and friends they slip away. I cannot hold them, I lose them if I try. And I cannot join them where they go, and I curse god for this.
I do not know what is wrong with me. And each second these air conditioning people keep me on hold I just start going over the top. I know exactly what is wrong with me. I do not care for my life anymore. I am tired of living. I am tired of it all. I do not want this gift granted to me by the almighty. And I know how that sounds. Makes me sound like a stupid kid who doesn't appreciate the gift of life they have been bestowed. I know it, trust me I know it. But I’m tired of this life and I am ready for the next one.
When I was a kid I was told to study hard, eat right, say my prayers and god would make sure everything would be OK. But it never happened. I prayed, why didn't he keep his part of the deal?
I do not know why I am so unhappy. I have my health, I make a decent living, I have a girlfriend now, a good one. Sister of Shadow, and I have a lil money saved up, a working car with working ac and if I don't get off hold very soon I will be sleeping in said car.
But there is something in me, I don't know what it is. I want to go now. Meet my father, punch him in the face, see my mother, my friend my brother. I want to walk through the meadows and not have to be so damn depressed. I want to smile again. I want to laugh.
I don't want to stand in line behind some idiot, I mean if you are standing in line at mcdonalds for 9 or 10 and then you finally get to the front and you start looking up and starting going “Ummm give me a minute” I mean for gods sake all that time waiting and you still don't know what you want!
I want to take this phone and throw it against the wall. I don't want to sit in jury duty and pray that I get chosen this time so I don't have to go back to my brain dead job. And spill out whats left of my soul to people who just do not deserve it.
(Your call is important to us and the next available agent will be right with you as soon as possible)
If someone does not answer the phone soon I may not be around to talk.
(I get up, kick my sofa with my left hand, sit back down again and start punching the pillows on the sofa)
Answer the phone, just answer the damn phone! Why wont you answer the phone? Why? Why? Son of a
Why does life have to be like this? The priest in our old church from when I was a kid used to say that life is hard because only then can we appreciate life for what it is. Which I just find to be a load of bs. Life is hard because nothing is easy. Life is hard because we make it that way. Yea, we get complacent and when things are going good for us, we mess things up. Because deep down we know we do not deserve to be happy. We reject the notion. And it is only when we are miserable and at the end of our ropes that we finally accept life.
So I guess I was right when I said we have no one else to blame but ourselves. God gives us the tools to make our lives great and we end up destroying it and then blaming the one who gave us the tools. I am an idiot. I know it. I have always known it.
But it doesn't change the fact that I want to move on. I want to be able to close my eyes at night and fall asleep and not stay up half the night twisting and turning or having to resort to sleeping pills. I want to wake up and not curse anyone or anything for that new day.
God I am not asking so much. I just want to be OK. with things if even for a single moment. Is that so much to ask?
(I am sorry but our offices are closed please call back tomorrow)
I stand up and throw my cell phone against the wall as it shatters, sending pieces all over the place. Great now I gotta go buy a new phone.
What do I do now? I guess I should help Emerson out. Seems luck has paired us together. And honestly I do not think he needs my help. Emerson has that knack of finding ways to rise to the occasion and to overcome those odds and win. Win with that heart of his. He truly is the best of us. A single father, taking care of a sons with Downs Syndrone. I spent the last 5 minutes complaining about my life and now I feel like a jerk when I see what he does every single day of his life. Something he will do for the rest of his life. He has every right to be angry at god for the hand he was dealt and instead just has love. Love for his family, love for his life, love for the little he has. So why cant I feel just a little like him. I am a jerk.
Apokalyse spoke, didn't really have much to say, just how Emerson is stupid for talking about food. I think Apok was not listening. Do you know you can tell a lot about a person if you look at what they eat? If you eat a burger with mustard it means you are more grounded, a more serious person. Ketchup on your burger you like to laugh, mayo you like the finer things in life.
If you like fish it means you have an inclination to more complexity in your life, that you can juggle most things in life, as such fish can be prepared in many variations as you might of seen in the Louis Cypher promo.
If you like sweets it means you are not as strong willed as others and do not like to take leads in many things.
I could go on but I will not.
Apok you have been impressive so far, but I think complements fall on you, deafness seems to be another suit of you. You do not hear when people talk to you or about you. You hear what you want to hear. And I am like that sometimes as well. You take things for granted as well. You hold no regard for the title you currently hold, all you see if the title you do not hold. Again I can related. Never thankful for what you have only angry for what you do not have.
Then there is my old friend Twilight. God cursed you too, and yet you do not seem to hate him and as such you should. You are damned to oblivion, to a way station that does not let you go. Hunted and hated, for all eternity. Never even given the chance to redeem yourself in the eyes of the almighty. Is that fair? You do not even get to plead your case, just keep being sent back again and again, everyone else enters heaven, enters paradise but not you. No, not you. So obviously you did something along the way that brought this upon you. What was it?
When I was a little boy I used to think that I would be taken into gods embrace after a full happy life. But I was wrong. Life is not a race, not a marathon, its just series of unfortunate events after more horrible events, till we are taken or dragged into the hereafter with a sigh and thanking god for finally letting it end.
I wish I was better in every way. I wish I could pass on some great wisdom to anyone watching this. And tell you that its all going to be OK. But to be honest I do not know if it will be OK. I really don't. All I can tell you is that this world isn't for everyone. Some of us want a little bit of that sun on us and that feeling that things wont always be like this. But most times it is this way till the day when its not.
I want to you all guidance and lead you into the warmth of gods embrace, show you that I am the leader that SFT deserves. But deep down I know SFT deserves better than me. Always has.
I am nothing.
And I am sorry for that. I am sorry to you all.
That is it.
No more.
…Fade….to.….Darkness…...
