Post by 💀 ＡＰＯＫ 💀 on May 31, 2020 14:37:45 GMT -5
Beginning.
Hello, SFT. It's your not-so-friendly neighborhood Apokalypse here. You may know me from my last five matches where I dissected half of this sad excuse for a roster. Now I am the Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion of the World, and I am two days away from the biggest challenge of my career this year. So much is happening at Titans this week. Let's break it down, huh?
The opening match is a triple threat match between Jamo, Reno Destiny and Jackson Kent. I’m not familiar with Reno or Jackson… so I’m going to go with Jamo here. He may be a wacko with the mind of a child… but… no, I guess I don’t have anything nice to say about him. My bad. Next up is a Hardcore Title Match between the reigning champion Reaper and Eli Martin. This one is a no brainer. Martin will walk out champion. Why? Because I’ve already beaten Reaper… and he is weak. That match is followed up with a… Halliburton briefcase on a pole match? That’s interesting. Do they get to use the briefcase as a weapon, or is the title match contract inside for a match against me? Either way… I’m going to go with Jack Jones over The Accountant here. Jack Jones gave me my best match here in SFT in my debut, and I would very much like to face him again to see what he has learned since then. Oh, and I still want to play laser tag with the kid.
Next up is a non title match between Apokalypse and Rumpke… and it is a HARDCORE WAR! They can call it a Hardcore Match all they want… but it’s going to be an absolute bloodbath! I’m willing to spill as much of my own blood as I’m going to take from Rumpke. The end result is that YOUR Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion of the World will walk away victorious. Haven’t I made that clear enough? Nobody can stop me. Once they change the canvas and sweep up all of Rumpke’s missing teeth… Emerson will defend the World Title against… Robert Saints?! The same Robert Saints that I DESTROYED a few shows ago?! The SAME Robert Saints who JUST LOST on the last episode of Titans? Okay… well… Emerson is going to retain against Saints… again. No matter how many times they face each other… Emerson will be the winner. That’s just fate in action.
All of those predictions will come true at Titans 85… but the one that means the most to me is Rumpke’s retirement match against the man… the myth… the monster… Apokalypse. It's time to leave the memories alone and pack up your hobo sack, Rumpke. Drift on back to the alley you call home and let Apokalypse carry on his mission of complete and systematic destruction of the company you've carried on your broken back forever. You've worked so hard and truly accomplished so little. It's time for you to rest. When you staggered down to the ring two weeks ago… you looked like The Walking Dead. It will be my pleasure to put you down, Rumpke.
Apokalypse is here to do what needs to be done. Beat guys. Take belts. Burn this motherfucker to the ground. Rebuild it in my image. You know this song and dance. It all sounds simple enough… but I still go on about it just in case there's any confusion on the matter. Ya see... I've already buried half of the roster in a few short months. With all I have done… and how efficient my attack has been… do you really think the other half will be much of a challenge for me? Rumpke… of everyone in SFT… YOU are my greatest challenge… and even YOU are no match for the almighty Apokalypse!
I'm shocked that it took you so long to acknowledge my existence… but I shouldn't be shocked at all. You probably just now woke up from a bender after Titans 84 and realized it's almost time to fight the immortal monster Apokalypse. Better late than never, I guess. I'm a bit confused about your attack on me for using quotes from other authors… when I was the source, the inspiration, the muse for such quotes. Authors throughout history have written about me… and now… here I am. My coming has been foretold by every nation since the dawn of time. Nobody should be confused by what's happening… but you… you don't seem to understand what's happening.
You say that your ambition is to crush my dreams of destroying everything. I wish you the best of luck in doing what no other mortal has done. Stop me, Rumpke. Do it. Do what nobody else is strong enough to do. If you beat me, then I deserve to lose. There is no shame in losing. I just don't do it enough to really have a grasp on it. I could ask around for advice from all of the losers in SFT… but they don't like me very much right now. I don't blame them at all. I have said and done unspeakable things to them. You're different though, Rumpke. I feel like you are truly trying to help me.
You gave me, as you said, a handicap. What kind of man would I be to capitalize on it? I verbally slaughtered Louis Cypher. The result was the same as if I had lightened up. It just wasn't any fun for me. I switched things up this time and allowed you just enough rope to hang yourself with. Oh no! There's an expression that I did not create on my own. I must be lazy! No… I'm not lazy. Far from it. My plan of attack was that of a sportsman for a change. Maybe that was a mistake. Maybe that just gave you more time to carefully craft your grandiose view of yourself. I get it, man. You've been here forever and you've outlasted all the flash in the pan bad guys like me. I don't stand a chance because you're a hardcore legend or whatever.
Rumpke, you sure do use cute and adorable rather often when speaking about me. I don't know whether I should be flattered or perturbed by your obsession with me. You spent what felt like hours beating a dead horse about me being lazy or not ferocious. Beating dead horses is usually my thing… and I seem to have failed this round. Would I have cared more if you hadn't cowardly abandoned the Hardcore Championship? I guess we'll never know. Nothing at all is at stake here… and that has left me less willing to go for the throat. For once in my life… I felt pity for a human being… and the end result just might be my first loss in SFT. If I lose… where do I go from there? I will still be Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion of the world… and there will still be a handful of fodder to deal with after you, Rumpke. Does it even matter who wins Tuesday? Does ANY of this even matter.
He ponders in silence for so long that he starts to nod off.
Oh shit! Sorry about that. I was just thinking about your promos that were sponsored by Zzzquil. You finally hit me with some good shit, unlike the rest of the poor, sad humans in SFT… but your promos affected me in a profound way that I wasn't expecting. I have a team of doctors working on this problem, Rumpke. I suffer from voice induced narcolepsy. Apparently the sound of your voice… just knocks me out. Oh shit! I just gave up a huge weakness! On Tuesday… all you have to do is talk to me and I'll be down for the count! Hopefully there are earplugs strong enough to withstand your affect on me. If not… I have no idea how to survive this match against you.
That was dumb.
Yeah, his wife is there, interrupting his promo, again.
What was dumb?
All of it. You've wasted so much time on this match… on EVERY match in SFT really… and for what?
This here championship. Duh!
You've had championships before. Some far more valuable than… that. Now you've got to fight Rumpke who, let's face it… is going to kick your ass on Tuesday.
The only way I'm losing is if I kick my own ass.
No. You're going to go to some undisclosed location in Mesa… you're going to huff and puff… and Rumpke is going to blow you down.
He's going to blow… oh… like the three little pigs. Yeah, that.
What did you think I meant?
I don't know. He kept calling me cute… and adorable… and buttercup.
Are you… blushing?
Shut up.
So what's the endgame for when Rumpke beats you? Are you finally giving up the act?
Apokalypse is NOT an act! Apokalypse is the thing that goes bump in the night! Apokalypse is all things---
Stop. I'm tired of this Apokalypse crap… and I'm sure everyone else is, too. Didn't you listen to a word of Rumpke's promos?
I did… and he's very good. I wasn't kidding when I said he's the biggest challenge I will face. He's leagues beyond what anyone else here is capable of. I've waited for this match since arriving in SFT.
Then why didn't you try harder? Why didn't you dig deep and really hit him with everything you've got?
I think that… maybe… just maybe… I want to finally… lose...
Ending.
