Post by Joey on May 11, 2020 22:20:12 GMT -5
The scene is Jude’s home in Colorado. Fall is coming to an end, all the leaves have been raked up. There is still a cool breeze in the early mornings and in the late evenings but he days are warm enough.
When I was a child I used to think I would be famous. Then I put that aside. As I grew older I dedicated my life to god. And that too was foolish. God does not care if we live for him or not, so long as we believe in him.
Now I am just too tired to care anymore.
I bring out some glad trash bags, the big black ones. I start to push in all the fallen leaves into the bags. I honestly do not like yard work. Not one bit. Standing in the sun sweating, I cant even stand mowing the lawn. I hate it all. But every now and then I don't seem to mind it as much. I think its because sometimes I need to work things out in my head. And this is the only thing quiet enough for my mind. My mind is always like a beehive. Always so busy. Always jumping from one thing to another. I have never had control over my ADD. It has always told me how things would be. I thought I would grow out of it, or maybe learn to cope with it. Not even medication really helped. Praying sure as hell did not help. But this one thing does help to quiet all things going on in my mind. And so here I am doing this. Things usually pop into my head what if there are spiders in the leaves I raked up. What if there are ants or a small snake. Things like that are in my mind but I push on through anyway, get the leaves raked. Get it done.
And those three words are still in my mind. Get it done. Words to live by don't you think?
I open the bag let a bit of air catch it help keep the mouth open, I used one hand to push the leaves into the bag, and I do this for 30 minutes or so, till I have 2 full bags of leaves, one more to go I think. Get it done.
Glenn and I never lost contact, we email each other from time to time, See how each other is doing. To be honest, our friendship was mostly due to Shadow. Shadow was the middle man, the one who kept us joined, kept us friends. I feared that when he passed, Glenn and I would drift apart, and we did, but we managed to stick it out. When Shad passed it left a huge whole in each of us, and left us as two strangers, wondering how to go one when the one who connected us was gone? It was hard. It still is. Glenn went on to get married, he has a son now. And I envy him.
Yes Glenn I envy you. But not for all the reasons you might think. If you died today, at least you'd have a wife and son to remember you, to keep your name and legacy going. Me? I have no love for myself. I do not think I will get married, at least not anytime soon. I doubt I would be any type of father worth having. My father was an alcoholic. A mean drunk. I don't speak of him much at all. And sometimes I see him looking back at me from my own mirror. Waiting to come out and teach his only son how to be a real man, just get it done son.
My father loved his whiskey. Wild Turkey was his drink of choice but anything would do in a pinch, Jim Bean, any type of vodka, heck even a 24 pack of beer would get the job done. He told me men never cried, and that if he ever saw me cry he would beat those tears of mine back into my eyes.
I did not cry when my father died. But I did cry when my mother died. And I cried when Shad died. And now I fear I no longer have any more tears left. The parts of me that were truly alive died along with them. I hate emotions. Life is easier without them.
Do you know that after my mother died all I would really eat was asparagus, she loved that vegetable so for almost a month that's all I really ate, each day I ate that I would remember her. This was my way of keeping her close to me, keeping that memory of her close. And I stated to finally eat other foods I hated myself because I felt her memory slipping away from me. No one else would remember her, if not me then who?
I finish the last bag of leaves and tie up the top so they do not fly away, I carry each one to the alley and put them next to the trash can so that when the trash pick up comes on Wednesday they will take the leaves with them.
Get it done.
So back to my story. Yes Glenn I am envious of you. I want what you have. I want your life. But I fear there is too much of my father in me. I would hate to do to my son what he did to me.
The world once again stopped when Shad died. This time I really felt alone. Living in his empty house all alone. Going insane I think. But I got it done. I think that maybe I did go a little insane. I speak to their ghost you know? Somtimes I talk to my mom, sometimes to Shad. I think its them, its like smoke or mist, kind of looks like them but who knows. They are there for a second then they are gone. Talked to my doctor he put me on prozac and prestique, and other anti depressants then I finally gave up on them, they didn't take my depression away. Just got it done. Real men don't take pills to get happy my father would say. He might have a point.
I do not like pouring my heart on but it seems its all people want. They want our hearts and blood and soul in every promo and in every match.
My world is empty now. Glenn I wake up in the mornings and eat some eggs that taste like crap. I eat lunch and it too tastes like crap. Funny thing is I like to eat, its just that it no longer brings me pleasure. And I can hear my fathers voice saying good, cause food is meant to keep us strong to for us to enjoy. Get it done son.
Yes I know I am messed up in the head. Loneliness can do that. I think that is why Redd and Rumpke have become such good friends, misery loves company. Me though I still have work to do. But its not work that I enjoy not anymore. I just have to get it done.
And now those nightmares that plagued shadow seem to have crept into my psyche. Now I have nightmares having been having them a few years now. And so how do I get sleep? I’ll tell you how I get sleep. Sleeping pills. Not Ambiem like some people take, eventually those will knock you out. I am talking over the counter blue pills. And I have been pushing the limit on how many I can take. Right now I am up to 22 sleeping pills. I am still alive so I know 22 is a dangerous number, one or two more and I might now wake up. But 22 ensures that when I push that limit I get 11 hours of sleep. 11 hours, do you hear that Glenn. I know you are a parent so 11 hours is something you will never have again. But 11 hours is a godsend.
And I hear my father whispering in my ear to keep going, be man and hit 30, get to 30 and get it done. But I am not there yet. I stop at 22. I get my rest. And before I do drift off I get those visits from my mom and Shad.
But do not worry Glenn, there's no need to be angry or feel sorry for me. I am that lost sheep, and god will forgive me when my time comes. Of that I am sure.
My friend I am tired. So damn tired. I am spread so damn thin. Half the time I do not know where I am going and much less where I have been. But I am getting it done.
It seems like everyone went off to live their life, except me. I am still here, still keeping those lights on for all the lost souls. People say SFT is in good hands, in my hands but do not know how much work it takes to do all this. And I have been doing this since 1996. So I am a little tired by now. Wouldn't you be?
And through all the years all I have is people telling me that I need to shut up. Yeah shut up in my own federation? So much for earning a little bit of respect. But that's OK. I get it done. I have always gotten it done.
People telling me that so and so fed are way better. But find me one fed, just one that's been open as long as we have. Greatness is not found in longevity, but damn we’ve survived longer than any federation. WE may not be great, but we good enough to outlive everyone else. Get it done son!
Glenn I am so tired, and I hate to sound like a broken record. But everyday I have to do my real job outside then come to SFT and deal with things, juggle egos, make sure no one burns out. Make sure everyone is semi happy.
I am tired. I cant leave SFT to chance or in the hands of family and friends, I have none to speak off. NO one that can stay with it for the long term. No one to get it done.
There is a terror in me my friend. My fathers voice in the back of my head taunting me, haunting me, telling me that I will never be good enough. And he is right. I will never be the owner that Shadow was. Never. I could be alive for a hundred years and I will never come close to him. I always second best. I was always vice president never to be president. My father speaks truth even in his drunkard voice.
I do not want this anymore. But I have to keep on going. I have to get it done.
There is nothing left of me but a shell of something that might have been. And might of like a waking dream of a child that doesn't know he’s grown up already, not till its too late.
I have no wisdom to pass on to anyone. Just shadows and ghosts and everything in between. My father smiling with that stench of his telling me that real men don't whine. And for me to just get it done.
I am my fathers son I suppose and that's all I can do these days. Get it done.
Now I need to find one last chore to keep me sane for another year.
Fade to Darkness…...
When I was a child I used to think I would be famous. Then I put that aside. As I grew older I dedicated my life to god. And that too was foolish. God does not care if we live for him or not, so long as we believe in him.
Now I am just too tired to care anymore.
I bring out some glad trash bags, the big black ones. I start to push in all the fallen leaves into the bags. I honestly do not like yard work. Not one bit. Standing in the sun sweating, I cant even stand mowing the lawn. I hate it all. But every now and then I don't seem to mind it as much. I think its because sometimes I need to work things out in my head. And this is the only thing quiet enough for my mind. My mind is always like a beehive. Always so busy. Always jumping from one thing to another. I have never had control over my ADD. It has always told me how things would be. I thought I would grow out of it, or maybe learn to cope with it. Not even medication really helped. Praying sure as hell did not help. But this one thing does help to quiet all things going on in my mind. And so here I am doing this. Things usually pop into my head what if there are spiders in the leaves I raked up. What if there are ants or a small snake. Things like that are in my mind but I push on through anyway, get the leaves raked. Get it done.
And those three words are still in my mind. Get it done. Words to live by don't you think?
I open the bag let a bit of air catch it help keep the mouth open, I used one hand to push the leaves into the bag, and I do this for 30 minutes or so, till I have 2 full bags of leaves, one more to go I think. Get it done.
Glenn and I never lost contact, we email each other from time to time, See how each other is doing. To be honest, our friendship was mostly due to Shadow. Shadow was the middle man, the one who kept us joined, kept us friends. I feared that when he passed, Glenn and I would drift apart, and we did, but we managed to stick it out. When Shad passed it left a huge whole in each of us, and left us as two strangers, wondering how to go one when the one who connected us was gone? It was hard. It still is. Glenn went on to get married, he has a son now. And I envy him.
Yes Glenn I envy you. But not for all the reasons you might think. If you died today, at least you'd have a wife and son to remember you, to keep your name and legacy going. Me? I have no love for myself. I do not think I will get married, at least not anytime soon. I doubt I would be any type of father worth having. My father was an alcoholic. A mean drunk. I don't speak of him much at all. And sometimes I see him looking back at me from my own mirror. Waiting to come out and teach his only son how to be a real man, just get it done son.
My father loved his whiskey. Wild Turkey was his drink of choice but anything would do in a pinch, Jim Bean, any type of vodka, heck even a 24 pack of beer would get the job done. He told me men never cried, and that if he ever saw me cry he would beat those tears of mine back into my eyes.
I did not cry when my father died. But I did cry when my mother died. And I cried when Shad died. And now I fear I no longer have any more tears left. The parts of me that were truly alive died along with them. I hate emotions. Life is easier without them.
Do you know that after my mother died all I would really eat was asparagus, she loved that vegetable so for almost a month that's all I really ate, each day I ate that I would remember her. This was my way of keeping her close to me, keeping that memory of her close. And I stated to finally eat other foods I hated myself because I felt her memory slipping away from me. No one else would remember her, if not me then who?
I finish the last bag of leaves and tie up the top so they do not fly away, I carry each one to the alley and put them next to the trash can so that when the trash pick up comes on Wednesday they will take the leaves with them.
Get it done.
So back to my story. Yes Glenn I am envious of you. I want what you have. I want your life. But I fear there is too much of my father in me. I would hate to do to my son what he did to me.
The world once again stopped when Shad died. This time I really felt alone. Living in his empty house all alone. Going insane I think. But I got it done. I think that maybe I did go a little insane. I speak to their ghost you know? Somtimes I talk to my mom, sometimes to Shad. I think its them, its like smoke or mist, kind of looks like them but who knows. They are there for a second then they are gone. Talked to my doctor he put me on prozac and prestique, and other anti depressants then I finally gave up on them, they didn't take my depression away. Just got it done. Real men don't take pills to get happy my father would say. He might have a point.
I do not like pouring my heart on but it seems its all people want. They want our hearts and blood and soul in every promo and in every match.
My world is empty now. Glenn I wake up in the mornings and eat some eggs that taste like crap. I eat lunch and it too tastes like crap. Funny thing is I like to eat, its just that it no longer brings me pleasure. And I can hear my fathers voice saying good, cause food is meant to keep us strong to for us to enjoy. Get it done son.
Yes I know I am messed up in the head. Loneliness can do that. I think that is why Redd and Rumpke have become such good friends, misery loves company. Me though I still have work to do. But its not work that I enjoy not anymore. I just have to get it done.
And now those nightmares that plagued shadow seem to have crept into my psyche. Now I have nightmares having been having them a few years now. And so how do I get sleep? I’ll tell you how I get sleep. Sleeping pills. Not Ambiem like some people take, eventually those will knock you out. I am talking over the counter blue pills. And I have been pushing the limit on how many I can take. Right now I am up to 22 sleeping pills. I am still alive so I know 22 is a dangerous number, one or two more and I might now wake up. But 22 ensures that when I push that limit I get 11 hours of sleep. 11 hours, do you hear that Glenn. I know you are a parent so 11 hours is something you will never have again. But 11 hours is a godsend.
And I hear my father whispering in my ear to keep going, be man and hit 30, get to 30 and get it done. But I am not there yet. I stop at 22. I get my rest. And before I do drift off I get those visits from my mom and Shad.
But do not worry Glenn, there's no need to be angry or feel sorry for me. I am that lost sheep, and god will forgive me when my time comes. Of that I am sure.
My friend I am tired. So damn tired. I am spread so damn thin. Half the time I do not know where I am going and much less where I have been. But I am getting it done.
It seems like everyone went off to live their life, except me. I am still here, still keeping those lights on for all the lost souls. People say SFT is in good hands, in my hands but do not know how much work it takes to do all this. And I have been doing this since 1996. So I am a little tired by now. Wouldn't you be?
And through all the years all I have is people telling me that I need to shut up. Yeah shut up in my own federation? So much for earning a little bit of respect. But that's OK. I get it done. I have always gotten it done.
People telling me that so and so fed are way better. But find me one fed, just one that's been open as long as we have. Greatness is not found in longevity, but damn we’ve survived longer than any federation. WE may not be great, but we good enough to outlive everyone else. Get it done son!
Glenn I am so tired, and I hate to sound like a broken record. But everyday I have to do my real job outside then come to SFT and deal with things, juggle egos, make sure no one burns out. Make sure everyone is semi happy.
I am tired. I cant leave SFT to chance or in the hands of family and friends, I have none to speak off. NO one that can stay with it for the long term. No one to get it done.
There is a terror in me my friend. My fathers voice in the back of my head taunting me, haunting me, telling me that I will never be good enough. And he is right. I will never be the owner that Shadow was. Never. I could be alive for a hundred years and I will never come close to him. I always second best. I was always vice president never to be president. My father speaks truth even in his drunkard voice.
I do not want this anymore. But I have to keep on going. I have to get it done.
There is nothing left of me but a shell of something that might have been. And might of like a waking dream of a child that doesn't know he’s grown up already, not till its too late.
I have no wisdom to pass on to anyone. Just shadows and ghosts and everything in between. My father smiling with that stench of his telling me that real men don't whine. And for me to just get it done.
I am my fathers son I suppose and that's all I can do these days. Get it done.
Now I need to find one last chore to keep me sane for another year.
Fade to Darkness…...
