Post by reaper on Feb 8, 2020 19:25:33 GMT -5
As a young boy I grew up in Avery structured home. Not quite your nuclear family set up, but very structured and morally sound to say the least. My grandparents raised me since as far back as I can remember. They were loving and provided as best they could. Since I was their grandson, who they were raising, I was considered their favorite.
Atleast all six of my aunt's, who resided under the same roof, seemed to think. And from time to time would let me know how unfair they perceived the situation.
"After all we are their daughters. Your just a grandson," they would tell me under their breath.
But I never paid any mind to their dillusional jealousies. In my opinion my grandparents loved us all the same. I simply got more attention because I was so much younger than my aunt's and therefore needed more guidance.
As it turned out all that attention eventually backfired; rather, became the thread of my undoing.
From day one my aunt's were very demanding. They expected the best from me. For me to live up to their standards I would have to be beyond perfect and their insanely high expectations would eventually break me. I kept up as long as I could until it was too much for me to handle.
There are those who will say I quit, that I gave up when I should have hung in there and endured. But then again I was there. I lived through it. I know what really happened.
Yes. I quit on myself. I failed to meet their criteria. But the way I saw it, I was simply making a choice to live my life according to my standards.
My rules....not theirs. Not living my life the way they wanted. The way they demanded.
And so after being raised in a loving family for most of 18 years, being clothed, fed, educated, cared for,....I turned my back on them. After 18 years I just walked away. Didn't speak to them for the next 8 years.
And even though I still lived not 5 miles away I NEVER went to visit. Never called. Never even uttered one syllable to them.
And this is where I find myself. So close, yet so far away.
How could I have been so cold you ask? You forget, you weren't there. You didn't buckle under their pressure. You didn't learn the true meaning of resentment over the years of growing up in that house.
But here I am....forced to live with the consequences.
I lost loved ones that I grew up with and never got to say goodbye to. I never was able to forgive them for what they put me through. And ironically I haven't been able to forgive myself for failing them. Disappointing them. For not having their stamina, their resolve, their character.
Was I just simply not as good as them? Or was I right in having the courage to live my life the way I wanted?
So this is where we find ourselves. At the crossroads of regret and justification.
Should I look back with regret or should I hold my head high knowing that my life's decisions have been justified? Who knows?
All I can say is there isn't a day that goes by in which I don't find myself pondering the thoughts of "what if I had hung in there and done what they wanted?"
But then again what if I had hung in there and not lived my life by my choices?
What if?
What if Cypher hadn't copied my writing style?
What if Emerson realized his days as champion are coming to an end?
What if? What if? What if?
REAPER YAWNS
REAPER QUESTIONS
REAPER OUT
Atleast all six of my aunt's, who resided under the same roof, seemed to think. And from time to time would let me know how unfair they perceived the situation.
"After all we are their daughters. Your just a grandson," they would tell me under their breath.
But I never paid any mind to their dillusional jealousies. In my opinion my grandparents loved us all the same. I simply got more attention because I was so much younger than my aunt's and therefore needed more guidance.
As it turned out all that attention eventually backfired; rather, became the thread of my undoing.
From day one my aunt's were very demanding. They expected the best from me. For me to live up to their standards I would have to be beyond perfect and their insanely high expectations would eventually break me. I kept up as long as I could until it was too much for me to handle.
There are those who will say I quit, that I gave up when I should have hung in there and endured. But then again I was there. I lived through it. I know what really happened.
Yes. I quit on myself. I failed to meet their criteria. But the way I saw it, I was simply making a choice to live my life according to my standards.
My rules....not theirs. Not living my life the way they wanted. The way they demanded.
And so after being raised in a loving family for most of 18 years, being clothed, fed, educated, cared for,....I turned my back on them. After 18 years I just walked away. Didn't speak to them for the next 8 years.
And even though I still lived not 5 miles away I NEVER went to visit. Never called. Never even uttered one syllable to them.
And this is where I find myself. So close, yet so far away.
How could I have been so cold you ask? You forget, you weren't there. You didn't buckle under their pressure. You didn't learn the true meaning of resentment over the years of growing up in that house.
But here I am....forced to live with the consequences.
I lost loved ones that I grew up with and never got to say goodbye to. I never was able to forgive them for what they put me through. And ironically I haven't been able to forgive myself for failing them. Disappointing them. For not having their stamina, their resolve, their character.
Was I just simply not as good as them? Or was I right in having the courage to live my life the way I wanted?
So this is where we find ourselves. At the crossroads of regret and justification.
Should I look back with regret or should I hold my head high knowing that my life's decisions have been justified? Who knows?
All I can say is there isn't a day that goes by in which I don't find myself pondering the thoughts of "what if I had hung in there and done what they wanted?"
But then again what if I had hung in there and not lived my life by my choices?
What if?
What if Cypher hadn't copied my writing style?
What if Emerson realized his days as champion are coming to an end?
What if? What if? What if?
REAPER YAWNS
REAPER QUESTIONS
REAPER OUT
