Post by Joey on Jan 10, 2020 17:16:09 GMT -5
The scene is a local grocery store. The good thing about grocery stores these days is there is so much diversity. So many new things you could try that you may not even have known it existed. You could walk down any food aisle and just find something new you would want to try.
I had a friend who used to always go down the cheese aisle and try a different type of cheese each week. Strange I know.
He used to roll by the juice sections by the coolers, one week he’d try a apple and pickle juice, next week a carrot and cucumber, just some really horrible juices and shakes. And yet I loved the idea of trying new things before it was too late.
And now these years later I feel like its too late for me. I push my cart along the aisle and keep thinking I want the same thing I want. A small prepared brisket. Same thing I buy every Thursday. I am very predictable.
A look inside his shopping cart will show half a gallon of milk, some pistachio ice cream. Cocoa Pebbles (stealing them from Shadow's daughter got me hooked on these things). We also see Pepsi 2 liters, some frozen food meals ready to go. Some microwave popcorn, some pickled jalapenos and some cottage cheese.
I do not like cottage cheese but I keep it in fridge ready should The Nun stop by. She has not called me but I know she is still alive and so I hold out hope. And for me hope is a dangerous thing. But that is a story for another day,
Its been an event going grocery shopping these days. I find things old things I had forgotten about like spaggetios and mac and cheese. I find new things like Tilapia fillets and fruits and vegetables I had no clue existed. Going grocery shopping is an eye opener in some ways. And yes I know I am talking like an ole fogey but that's because I know am old.
Emerson came out and said how SFT needs me. But no one has bothered to ask what I need? What I need is to sleep. To rest. To breath without feeling rushed. And that is all I feel these days. I feel so worn out. I wish I could sleep for 15 hours straight but most days I get 4-5 hours and after a few years of such little sleep, it takes a toll on you, like you wouldn't believe.
And as you get older you start to develop issues, medical issues that young people do not have to deal with. Something Emerson you are not dealing with. But give it time, your time will come, just like it’ll come for the rest of them.
You speak to me like you are me. You have no clue. I been doing this since 1996. No one comes close to me. The one person who did, passed away. So Emerson do not pretend to sit there and lecture me on what I need to do. The only thing I need to do is breath. And that is the issue I have no time to breath. No time to gather my thoughts. NO time to sleep. No time to lead SFT as it should be. You are right. I should be more. I should do more. But these old bones of mine no longer can keep up. Try as hard as I might.
My point is simple. Give me a break. Be patient with me. I am not the all encompassing hated Redd anymore. I still hate, and I am still hated. But ive been tamed down, toned down. Not because I wanted to. But because I had no choice. Growing old is not by choice. It just happens. It just happens and there is nothing we can do about it.
There were days when I was younger that I thought I would never get old. I thought it was not humanly possible for a guy like me to grow old or ever calm down. But here I am in middle age. Funny huh?
Not so much I know. But life has a way of evening things out for us. Whether we want it to or not. And yes life has a way of making you pay for past mistakes, current mistakes, and those mistakes yet to come. And trust me Emerson. I have made so many mistakes in my life. And I have to live with that. I cannot take them back or make them right. I have to live with them. And live with them I do. To the point that at night you keep going over and over again at what you’ve done. What you could of done differently. What your life might have been had you taken a right instead of a left. My life is full of regrets. And yes I have to deal with all those mistakes and regrets. Eventually I will fall asleep but it is not a good sleep nor an easy sleep. Just nightmares and ghosts invading my sleep.
Those ghosts haunt me. They haunt me every single second that I breath. They tell me where I’ve failed. As if I didn't know. They tell me how every single person I have loved has died on me. How I couldn't save them. How I could have been better. How I should of done more, been there for them, carried them. And I failed them. And so I keep those ghosts and make them mine even more.
So Emerson when I tell you that you do not get to tell me how I need to be more, trust me on that. I have my own demons reminding me daily of how badly I messed up. How the people who depended on me were let down. And I make myself suffer. I make myself suffer everyday in ways you could not imagine. I punish myself, I hurt myself, and I hate myself. Shadow entrusted SFT to me, to watch over it like he did. And I failed at the first try.
And here you come telling me I should do more, and be more. How I need to lead SFT and pick it up? Really? You think I don't know that?! I know it…..i know it!
I have always known what needs to be done. But I am afraid I no longer have it in me to do what SFT needs done. But I will promise you. I will try. Yes, I will try that is all I can do and I hope and I pray that it is enough.
(I pay for my groceries and head to my car, today's adventure is over.)
...Fade….to….Darkness…...
I had a friend who used to always go down the cheese aisle and try a different type of cheese each week. Strange I know.
He used to roll by the juice sections by the coolers, one week he’d try a apple and pickle juice, next week a carrot and cucumber, just some really horrible juices and shakes. And yet I loved the idea of trying new things before it was too late.
And now these years later I feel like its too late for me. I push my cart along the aisle and keep thinking I want the same thing I want. A small prepared brisket. Same thing I buy every Thursday. I am very predictable.
A look inside his shopping cart will show half a gallon of milk, some pistachio ice cream. Cocoa Pebbles (stealing them from Shadow's daughter got me hooked on these things). We also see Pepsi 2 liters, some frozen food meals ready to go. Some microwave popcorn, some pickled jalapenos and some cottage cheese.
I do not like cottage cheese but I keep it in fridge ready should The Nun stop by. She has not called me but I know she is still alive and so I hold out hope. And for me hope is a dangerous thing. But that is a story for another day,
Its been an event going grocery shopping these days. I find things old things I had forgotten about like spaggetios and mac and cheese. I find new things like Tilapia fillets and fruits and vegetables I had no clue existed. Going grocery shopping is an eye opener in some ways. And yes I know I am talking like an ole fogey but that's because I know am old.
Emerson came out and said how SFT needs me. But no one has bothered to ask what I need? What I need is to sleep. To rest. To breath without feeling rushed. And that is all I feel these days. I feel so worn out. I wish I could sleep for 15 hours straight but most days I get 4-5 hours and after a few years of such little sleep, it takes a toll on you, like you wouldn't believe.
And as you get older you start to develop issues, medical issues that young people do not have to deal with. Something Emerson you are not dealing with. But give it time, your time will come, just like it’ll come for the rest of them.
You speak to me like you are me. You have no clue. I been doing this since 1996. No one comes close to me. The one person who did, passed away. So Emerson do not pretend to sit there and lecture me on what I need to do. The only thing I need to do is breath. And that is the issue I have no time to breath. No time to gather my thoughts. NO time to sleep. No time to lead SFT as it should be. You are right. I should be more. I should do more. But these old bones of mine no longer can keep up. Try as hard as I might.
My point is simple. Give me a break. Be patient with me. I am not the all encompassing hated Redd anymore. I still hate, and I am still hated. But ive been tamed down, toned down. Not because I wanted to. But because I had no choice. Growing old is not by choice. It just happens. It just happens and there is nothing we can do about it.
There were days when I was younger that I thought I would never get old. I thought it was not humanly possible for a guy like me to grow old or ever calm down. But here I am in middle age. Funny huh?
Not so much I know. But life has a way of evening things out for us. Whether we want it to or not. And yes life has a way of making you pay for past mistakes, current mistakes, and those mistakes yet to come. And trust me Emerson. I have made so many mistakes in my life. And I have to live with that. I cannot take them back or make them right. I have to live with them. And live with them I do. To the point that at night you keep going over and over again at what you’ve done. What you could of done differently. What your life might have been had you taken a right instead of a left. My life is full of regrets. And yes I have to deal with all those mistakes and regrets. Eventually I will fall asleep but it is not a good sleep nor an easy sleep. Just nightmares and ghosts invading my sleep.
Those ghosts haunt me. They haunt me every single second that I breath. They tell me where I’ve failed. As if I didn't know. They tell me how every single person I have loved has died on me. How I couldn't save them. How I could have been better. How I should of done more, been there for them, carried them. And I failed them. And so I keep those ghosts and make them mine even more.
So Emerson when I tell you that you do not get to tell me how I need to be more, trust me on that. I have my own demons reminding me daily of how badly I messed up. How the people who depended on me were let down. And I make myself suffer. I make myself suffer everyday in ways you could not imagine. I punish myself, I hurt myself, and I hate myself. Shadow entrusted SFT to me, to watch over it like he did. And I failed at the first try.
And here you come telling me I should do more, and be more. How I need to lead SFT and pick it up? Really? You think I don't know that?! I know it…..i know it!
I have always known what needs to be done. But I am afraid I no longer have it in me to do what SFT needs done. But I will promise you. I will try. Yes, I will try that is all I can do and I hope and I pray that it is enough.
(I pay for my groceries and head to my car, today's adventure is over.)
...Fade….to….Darkness…...
