Post by Joey on Jun 14, 2019 14:19:17 GMT -5
It is a quiet Friday morning. It is scorching hot this morning. I decided to cut the lawn, I call it my special punishment. Some people enjoy doing yawn work, working on gardens, cutting branches and leaves and just making the outside of their home look nice. That is not me, I despise work outside, the bugs, the snakes hiding, its hot, there are mosquitoes. I honestly do not see why some call it peaceful. There are bugs always biting you, buzzing around you, you never know if something is gonna pop out of the brush and bite you. Its a 100 degrees in the shade. And you are sweating everywhere. Its positively hideous working outside in the summer. And yet millions of people do it because they have to. Men working construction. Migrants working in the fields. People who work landscaping or working on fixing roads and highways.
But we all have to do things we don't like? Isn't that right Rumpke? How long did you ask for this match and now here it is, here I am, and what do you do? You flake out. So I have to warn you in this old fashioned saying, careful what you wish for you just might get it? And your chances are running low after our match I am going on leave, Jude is coming back, he is coming very soon and when he arrives I have to leave, that is our arrangement.
Things between you and I did not work out like you wanted it. It could have been setup better. We could of worked it out so it was glorious. But I have to remind you I no longer care about glory. A match is a match, no matter how you build it up, in the end it is something basic. Its man vs. man and one person wins and one does not. It’s simplicity at its best.
Yesterday I was driving by main street. Lots of little shops selling all types of goods. And I see a woman, short,very short, hobbling on one leg, she was selling little trinkets on a tray on the side of the street. As I get to the light near her she approaches my window. Her blonde hair is sun burnt and very dry, he small face looks tired, her shirt is a dark red and it looks dirty. I lower my window and she says she is homeless and selling things to try and get some food. I don't say anything for a moment and then say “how much”. She says shes selling them for 5 dollars a piece, I nod, I say I will take one, she asks which one I would like, I shake my head and say I don't care, I give her the 5 bucks and she hands me something. She says thank you and that may god bless me. I smile at her, not a genuine smile but good enough. The light turns green and I drive away. As I get to the next light I look at my left hand to see what I had just purchased. I see a black rosary, the kind the church hands, it looks very nice, she does good work. But it angers me. It angers me to the point I want to turn around and throw that cross at her. My disdain for God and all things religion have not dissipated in all this time. But I do not turn around, I know it was not her fault, so I let it go. After a few minutes I start to calm down.
A part of me knows my hatred comes from the teachings of Legion. But Legion only served to make the fire grow brighter, but the fire was already within me long before him. And I don't even know how a simple cross could set me off but there it is. What sets you off Rumpke? I have a feeling that the only thing that sets you off is yourself, or that brown liquid in that glass of yours. Sitting nice and neat right on your desk by your right hand side.
The night keeps growing longer and older and each time you empty that glass you wait a minute or two thinking you wont pour another but you always do. Rumpke I do not look down on you, I have been where you are. Sometimes I think I still am. But I grew up, I grew old. I stopped. I became responsible not because I wanted to, but because I had to. When you have nothing and no one in this world it becomes a necessity to grow up. I felt that the dark road that you are traveling now is one some of us have to travel. It is only on that path to hell that we finally are able to see our true selves and ascend beyond what we were meant for.
We are the forgotten, we are the lost, we are the damned, but most of all we are simply broken. Yes Rumpke that is who we are, the broken that people cast aside as no longer being able to function or be part of a civil society. Its not a good thing but its not always a bad thing. We can see life from a different point of view. A point that most never get to. We have seen the world from both sides. We no longer need to be cast off and thrown away. We throw ourselves away. We are forever and always our own judges, we judge ourselves harsher than most, and we know why. We know we don't deserve that happy life. We don't deserve that nice normal boring life that we so eagerly seek, and yet we so eagerly fear. I fear it, I fear being domesticated. I fear being a father. I fear living a complacent life where I grow old and die. I fear love, because I do not deserve it. I fear people in general. I fear you Rumpke, because when I see you, I see me a decade ago. And we my friend are the scariest people on the planet, because we hate ourselves more than we hate the world. And we are the true antichrists of this world. The more of us that inhabit this world the worse it will become. This world would be better off without people like us in it. But inhabit it we will, till we don't.
When I was a little kid I thought I would be an astronaut, travel to other worlds and have a life like in Star Trek. I left that dream behind. But it was a nice dream while it lasted. Tell me Rumpke what dreams did you have? Did you want to be president? Did you want to be a daddy? Did you want to fall in love and live happily ever after? Sorry my friend but people like you and me we do not get happily ever afters. People like us do not deserve them and we never will.
That is the reality of our life. That cold truth that stares at us every morning from that mirror. When we see ourselves we really do not see ourselves. We see strange eyes looking back us, and we wonder whatever happened to us to make us strangers to ourselves?
So the question remains where do we go from here? We try and live I suppose. The key word is try. We will try and live. We will try and work. We will try to fight against the darkness that lives within us. We will try to fight our own stupidity and the stupidity of the rest of the world. And trust me the world can be really people. So many selfish and moronic people in the world, always thinking that they and only they matter. They still do not comprehend that they are not the center of the universe, that the world does not revolve around them and only them. And sadly some of them will never figure that out. Some of them will continue to live with blinders on for the rest of their lives. But they live a life of bliss and at times I can be jealous of such a life.
But I know better than to be jealous of that. A life like that is not worth living. A life like that is no life at all. So Rumpke we do what we do. We yell and scream and keep that self hatred locked deep within us, and we do not share our hate, we let it infect us and only us, chipping away at our very sanity, and in the end, and trust me we will have an end, take some solace in that, take some comfort in the fact that we will expire. And then and only will we get our rest, but I have a feeling that what lies in the next life will be all but rest. After all there is no rest for the wicked.
So Rumpke I have been patiently waiting for you to wake up. To say something, do something, do not let our last match be your defining moment. We should not go out with a whimper but with a scream. Scream at the gods of yesteryear, scream at the past and yell at our demons, let them all stand and take notice that we the broken will not go gently into the goodnight, we will fight till we can fight no more. Fight the idiots of this world, fight what society tells us to do and who we should be, and most importantly fight ourselves. Fight our demons and our own way of life. And when we rest will do so with a sigh and we will let that light extinguish and rest that final peaceful long awaited rest.
Are you with me Rumpke? Well are you?
That I think is the end of my journey with you. I have asked you many questions and have yet received no answers. I will wait till Sunday or perhaps Tuesday. The answers I have asked can only be answered by you and not by me.
Thank you though Rumpke, for helping me flame that fire in me that I thought was long since dead.
….Fade…to...Darkness…...
But we all have to do things we don't like? Isn't that right Rumpke? How long did you ask for this match and now here it is, here I am, and what do you do? You flake out. So I have to warn you in this old fashioned saying, careful what you wish for you just might get it? And your chances are running low after our match I am going on leave, Jude is coming back, he is coming very soon and when he arrives I have to leave, that is our arrangement.
Things between you and I did not work out like you wanted it. It could have been setup better. We could of worked it out so it was glorious. But I have to remind you I no longer care about glory. A match is a match, no matter how you build it up, in the end it is something basic. Its man vs. man and one person wins and one does not. It’s simplicity at its best.
Yesterday I was driving by main street. Lots of little shops selling all types of goods. And I see a woman, short,very short, hobbling on one leg, she was selling little trinkets on a tray on the side of the street. As I get to the light near her she approaches my window. Her blonde hair is sun burnt and very dry, he small face looks tired, her shirt is a dark red and it looks dirty. I lower my window and she says she is homeless and selling things to try and get some food. I don't say anything for a moment and then say “how much”. She says shes selling them for 5 dollars a piece, I nod, I say I will take one, she asks which one I would like, I shake my head and say I don't care, I give her the 5 bucks and she hands me something. She says thank you and that may god bless me. I smile at her, not a genuine smile but good enough. The light turns green and I drive away. As I get to the next light I look at my left hand to see what I had just purchased. I see a black rosary, the kind the church hands, it looks very nice, she does good work. But it angers me. It angers me to the point I want to turn around and throw that cross at her. My disdain for God and all things religion have not dissipated in all this time. But I do not turn around, I know it was not her fault, so I let it go. After a few minutes I start to calm down.
A part of me knows my hatred comes from the teachings of Legion. But Legion only served to make the fire grow brighter, but the fire was already within me long before him. And I don't even know how a simple cross could set me off but there it is. What sets you off Rumpke? I have a feeling that the only thing that sets you off is yourself, or that brown liquid in that glass of yours. Sitting nice and neat right on your desk by your right hand side.
The night keeps growing longer and older and each time you empty that glass you wait a minute or two thinking you wont pour another but you always do. Rumpke I do not look down on you, I have been where you are. Sometimes I think I still am. But I grew up, I grew old. I stopped. I became responsible not because I wanted to, but because I had to. When you have nothing and no one in this world it becomes a necessity to grow up. I felt that the dark road that you are traveling now is one some of us have to travel. It is only on that path to hell that we finally are able to see our true selves and ascend beyond what we were meant for.
We are the forgotten, we are the lost, we are the damned, but most of all we are simply broken. Yes Rumpke that is who we are, the broken that people cast aside as no longer being able to function or be part of a civil society. Its not a good thing but its not always a bad thing. We can see life from a different point of view. A point that most never get to. We have seen the world from both sides. We no longer need to be cast off and thrown away. We throw ourselves away. We are forever and always our own judges, we judge ourselves harsher than most, and we know why. We know we don't deserve that happy life. We don't deserve that nice normal boring life that we so eagerly seek, and yet we so eagerly fear. I fear it, I fear being domesticated. I fear being a father. I fear living a complacent life where I grow old and die. I fear love, because I do not deserve it. I fear people in general. I fear you Rumpke, because when I see you, I see me a decade ago. And we my friend are the scariest people on the planet, because we hate ourselves more than we hate the world. And we are the true antichrists of this world. The more of us that inhabit this world the worse it will become. This world would be better off without people like us in it. But inhabit it we will, till we don't.
When I was a little kid I thought I would be an astronaut, travel to other worlds and have a life like in Star Trek. I left that dream behind. But it was a nice dream while it lasted. Tell me Rumpke what dreams did you have? Did you want to be president? Did you want to be a daddy? Did you want to fall in love and live happily ever after? Sorry my friend but people like you and me we do not get happily ever afters. People like us do not deserve them and we never will.
That is the reality of our life. That cold truth that stares at us every morning from that mirror. When we see ourselves we really do not see ourselves. We see strange eyes looking back us, and we wonder whatever happened to us to make us strangers to ourselves?
So the question remains where do we go from here? We try and live I suppose. The key word is try. We will try and live. We will try and work. We will try to fight against the darkness that lives within us. We will try to fight our own stupidity and the stupidity of the rest of the world. And trust me the world can be really people. So many selfish and moronic people in the world, always thinking that they and only they matter. They still do not comprehend that they are not the center of the universe, that the world does not revolve around them and only them. And sadly some of them will never figure that out. Some of them will continue to live with blinders on for the rest of their lives. But they live a life of bliss and at times I can be jealous of such a life.
But I know better than to be jealous of that. A life like that is not worth living. A life like that is no life at all. So Rumpke we do what we do. We yell and scream and keep that self hatred locked deep within us, and we do not share our hate, we let it infect us and only us, chipping away at our very sanity, and in the end, and trust me we will have an end, take some solace in that, take some comfort in the fact that we will expire. And then and only will we get our rest, but I have a feeling that what lies in the next life will be all but rest. After all there is no rest for the wicked.
So Rumpke I have been patiently waiting for you to wake up. To say something, do something, do not let our last match be your defining moment. We should not go out with a whimper but with a scream. Scream at the gods of yesteryear, scream at the past and yell at our demons, let them all stand and take notice that we the broken will not go gently into the goodnight, we will fight till we can fight no more. Fight the idiots of this world, fight what society tells us to do and who we should be, and most importantly fight ourselves. Fight our demons and our own way of life. And when we rest will do so with a sigh and we will let that light extinguish and rest that final peaceful long awaited rest.
Are you with me Rumpke? Well are you?
That I think is the end of my journey with you. I have asked you many questions and have yet received no answers. I will wait till Sunday or perhaps Tuesday. The answers I have asked can only be answered by you and not by me.
Thank you though Rumpke, for helping me flame that fire in me that I thought was long since dead.
….Fade…to...Darkness…...
