Post by Joey on Jun 5, 2019 14:11:36 GMT -5
The scene is Seattle, Washington. By the seashore, not a beach, not even close to being a beach. This place is horrid most of the year. But in summers it is not half bad. The beaches are not worth much, just rocks mostly. You cant take your family because no matter how many towels you place all you feel underneath are rocks. No sand no dirt, nothing. There is a few people in the water, trying to surf and failing miserably. There are some fisherman by the bend. They look bored and sunburned. And that is all that is to see. I walk down the embankment towards the shore. I hear seagulls flying around, every now and then dipping into the water to catch whatever watery prey they find. It is funny how they sound, it almost sounds like they are speaking. I think I could of made a very suitable sea gull. Their lives revolve not around water, but around the fish shrimp and rest of the things they can catch and eat.
I would guess it much like any other animals existence, they exist solely to eat and survive. They do not get bored. They do not complain. They do not have aspirations or dreams of something bigger and better. They are just content on being alive. They are content to have food in their bellies and a wind to breath. Such an existence would seem boring to some. After all what is life without having dreams to reach, obsticels to conquer. Families to raise and lives to lead.
But right here right now if I had to choose I might take the life of a seagull instead of what I have now. The freedom to go anywhere, fly anywhere, roam the skies and the earth. Yes, I think I would like that very very much.
I sometimes think I get stuck inside my own mind, my own thoughts and I can find no way out. That is a very dangerous thing indeed. Especially in my mind. There are thoughts that scare me. And should scare me for good reasons. As a child I often wondered if something were seriously wrong with me. The voices I heard were my own but in a different way. I do not think I have the ability to describe it, not in the correct way. I can describe you a sunset, a bloody hand, almost anything. But not the voices that reside deep within me. It is a voice only I could comprehend.
When I was younger I could keep those thoughts at bay. I tried to communicate with my parents and my friends that which was within me, but each time I failed. So I stop trying. I kept those voices secret and they in turn invaded my dreams. Haunting me all the time, showing me nightmares that I wish I never had. Demons and monsters torturing me, torturing my family and friends and the world as a whole. And when I dreamt those dreams I could not wake up, I had to fight to wake up and when I did. I never wanted to go back to sleep again. Those nightmares followed me from my childhood to my teen years and way deep into my adulthood. They are still with me. But after such a long time I no longer am as scared of them as I once was. I guess that is what happens when you see such things for as long as I have.
I do not know why I am even talking about this. I should be concentrating on Rumpke. Rumpke who hears his own voices late at night into the wee hours. Rumpke who becomes another person, our very own Jekyll and Hyde. Rumpke I do not know why you seem to have such a hard time with yourself, with your life, with your own thoughts. Life cannot be this hard for you. You have chicken nuggets in your stomach, which you never shared. You have drink, so you are not thirsty. You have lungs which breath in air. You live and yet you act like you are dead. I have a hard time understanding why that is. So I should ask the source I suppose.
Rumpke how much time have I spent with you? Quite a few hours talking with your, talking at you. Promos after promos. I am not your white whale and you are definitely not Ahab. I don't know if you think defeating me will bring something to you? Validation? Seeking some sort of approval from the fans or worse from me. You should seek validation for yourself and only from yourself. Stop trying to prove something to me. I really will not care. I am too old to care that you stood up to me and beat me. If you beat me do you think I will linger on that loss? No my friend. I wont care enough to lose not even one nights sleep. If I beat you, do you think I will harp on it for a year and go around telling others that I beat you? No, not even close. I will forget the match the moment the I step away from that ring. You mean something to me, as a friend but you mean nothing to me as a wrestler. Because I do not care. Do you understand? I do not care if I win or lose. And that is the best lesson I can try to instill in you. The days of titles and wins and losses and feuds those days are long gone. Long gone and long forgotten. Yes we have title holders, after all this is a sport, and I am sure some look forward to the challenges, look forward to defeating so and so and claiming whatever title. But not me. I do not care. I really ever have.
Do you understand me now Rumpke? Do you see what I am about? I am the seagull. I am happy just being. I do not get angry when I lose. I do not rejoice when I win. I do not pound my chest and scream. I do what I do, I am what I am, I exist, and that is enough for me.
So the question remains, what about you Rumpke? When will you be able to exist and be happy just being? Can you do the work without anyone’s approval or validation? Can you wrestle for wrestlings sake and not worry about wins losses or titles or who you beat or lost to? Can you put forth efforts and get nothing back in return? Because that's what I do each time I step in the ring. I try a great deal and I know going in that nothing will matter after its over. I am not allowed to win the world title. I am not allowed to main event shows or be the center of attention. I am resigned to being around and keeping SFT on my shoulders for as long as I can.
I am getting crushed beneath the weight of it all. And still there I am. Little to no help and yet I chug along. I don't get thank yous. I don't need thank yous. I see others move up move and move on. And I have to stay back. Because of a promise I made to a friend. And Rumpke if nothing else, whatever I may be. I keep my word, I keep my promises.
I have messed up quite a bit in my life. But I keep the words I say. I own them. And I never break my promises no matter who its to or how long its been.
I am the last. The last of the last, and after I go, that will be it for our home. But I will keep my home safe for as long as I can. Keep pushing air into its lungs. Keep pushing life into its walls. I will not fail. I will not bend. I will not break.
This is who I am. Who I have always strived to be. And I am content to be just who I am for as long as I can. I am nothing without this place. In the world outside of SFT I am nothing. Just another bloke working, paying bills, eating hot Cheetos, living a life that does not matter. Living a life that will never matter. My dreams of being a writer one day died long ago. My dreams of being a family man also gone with nothing more than a blink. My dreams of traveling the world also gone. My dreams of being different being unique gone. There are millions of people just like me trying to find something in their lives that gives them purpose and direction. Millions thinking they are the center of the universe. Only difference is I know I am not the center. I am just a grain of dirt in the great design. I have understood this and I have come to accept it.
Question is can you accept it? Can you put that ale down, and find what you need in this life. You can have a full belly. But its still not enough is it?
No matter how happy you try to be, how normal you try to get. Those voices in the dark will never stop talking will they? And the more you try to silence them in those late night hours, the more they scream at you. I know it, because I have the same thing happen to me. And even when you try and listen to what the voices tell you to do and you do it, they wont keep quiet. They never stay quiet. Do they Rumpke?
I do not believe you could ever be a seagull. Your mind is too cluttered for that to ever happen. It is a pity, we need more seagulls in this world.
I can't believe a single word that you're saying
I see your lips moving, but nothing's coming out
Who can believe a single word that you're saying
I see your lips moving& but I can't figure it out
I'm afraid of the crucifix hanging on my wall
You hear yourself screaming,but nothing's coming out
I'm afraid of the shadows dancing on my wall
I hear them laughing at me,but I can't figure it out
I know my limitations
I just don't know when to quit
I know when I'm addicted
But no, I can't get enough of that shit, what?
Jesus - Make everything all right
Where'd everybody go?
I know I'm losing, but I don't know what to do
Sweet Jesus make it go away
Mary, Joseph what I should I say?
What do I do?
When I was alone you just laughed at me
I held out my hand, you just closed your eyes
I only wanted to be good
All I wanted was a chance to make things right
Twenty thousand leagues deep on the mic
Mass murder, court convicted, terroristic creature of the night
No, don't let me get freaky tonight
No, don't feed me tonight
I been drinking way to much Jagermeister
Mommy pray for me, cause I'm not feeling right
I've been hearing these voices
They're telling me to take my own life
Breathe my last breath, eat my last meal
You got what you deserve
How's that feel?!
I would guess it much like any other animals existence, they exist solely to eat and survive. They do not get bored. They do not complain. They do not have aspirations or dreams of something bigger and better. They are just content on being alive. They are content to have food in their bellies and a wind to breath. Such an existence would seem boring to some. After all what is life without having dreams to reach, obsticels to conquer. Families to raise and lives to lead.
But right here right now if I had to choose I might take the life of a seagull instead of what I have now. The freedom to go anywhere, fly anywhere, roam the skies and the earth. Yes, I think I would like that very very much.
I sometimes think I get stuck inside my own mind, my own thoughts and I can find no way out. That is a very dangerous thing indeed. Especially in my mind. There are thoughts that scare me. And should scare me for good reasons. As a child I often wondered if something were seriously wrong with me. The voices I heard were my own but in a different way. I do not think I have the ability to describe it, not in the correct way. I can describe you a sunset, a bloody hand, almost anything. But not the voices that reside deep within me. It is a voice only I could comprehend.
When I was younger I could keep those thoughts at bay. I tried to communicate with my parents and my friends that which was within me, but each time I failed. So I stop trying. I kept those voices secret and they in turn invaded my dreams. Haunting me all the time, showing me nightmares that I wish I never had. Demons and monsters torturing me, torturing my family and friends and the world as a whole. And when I dreamt those dreams I could not wake up, I had to fight to wake up and when I did. I never wanted to go back to sleep again. Those nightmares followed me from my childhood to my teen years and way deep into my adulthood. They are still with me. But after such a long time I no longer am as scared of them as I once was. I guess that is what happens when you see such things for as long as I have.
I do not know why I am even talking about this. I should be concentrating on Rumpke. Rumpke who hears his own voices late at night into the wee hours. Rumpke who becomes another person, our very own Jekyll and Hyde. Rumpke I do not know why you seem to have such a hard time with yourself, with your life, with your own thoughts. Life cannot be this hard for you. You have chicken nuggets in your stomach, which you never shared. You have drink, so you are not thirsty. You have lungs which breath in air. You live and yet you act like you are dead. I have a hard time understanding why that is. So I should ask the source I suppose.
Rumpke how much time have I spent with you? Quite a few hours talking with your, talking at you. Promos after promos. I am not your white whale and you are definitely not Ahab. I don't know if you think defeating me will bring something to you? Validation? Seeking some sort of approval from the fans or worse from me. You should seek validation for yourself and only from yourself. Stop trying to prove something to me. I really will not care. I am too old to care that you stood up to me and beat me. If you beat me do you think I will linger on that loss? No my friend. I wont care enough to lose not even one nights sleep. If I beat you, do you think I will harp on it for a year and go around telling others that I beat you? No, not even close. I will forget the match the moment the I step away from that ring. You mean something to me, as a friend but you mean nothing to me as a wrestler. Because I do not care. Do you understand? I do not care if I win or lose. And that is the best lesson I can try to instill in you. The days of titles and wins and losses and feuds those days are long gone. Long gone and long forgotten. Yes we have title holders, after all this is a sport, and I am sure some look forward to the challenges, look forward to defeating so and so and claiming whatever title. But not me. I do not care. I really ever have.
Do you understand me now Rumpke? Do you see what I am about? I am the seagull. I am happy just being. I do not get angry when I lose. I do not rejoice when I win. I do not pound my chest and scream. I do what I do, I am what I am, I exist, and that is enough for me.
So the question remains, what about you Rumpke? When will you be able to exist and be happy just being? Can you do the work without anyone’s approval or validation? Can you wrestle for wrestlings sake and not worry about wins losses or titles or who you beat or lost to? Can you put forth efforts and get nothing back in return? Because that's what I do each time I step in the ring. I try a great deal and I know going in that nothing will matter after its over. I am not allowed to win the world title. I am not allowed to main event shows or be the center of attention. I am resigned to being around and keeping SFT on my shoulders for as long as I can.
I am getting crushed beneath the weight of it all. And still there I am. Little to no help and yet I chug along. I don't get thank yous. I don't need thank yous. I see others move up move and move on. And I have to stay back. Because of a promise I made to a friend. And Rumpke if nothing else, whatever I may be. I keep my word, I keep my promises.
I have messed up quite a bit in my life. But I keep the words I say. I own them. And I never break my promises no matter who its to or how long its been.
I am the last. The last of the last, and after I go, that will be it for our home. But I will keep my home safe for as long as I can. Keep pushing air into its lungs. Keep pushing life into its walls. I will not fail. I will not bend. I will not break.
This is who I am. Who I have always strived to be. And I am content to be just who I am for as long as I can. I am nothing without this place. In the world outside of SFT I am nothing. Just another bloke working, paying bills, eating hot Cheetos, living a life that does not matter. Living a life that will never matter. My dreams of being a writer one day died long ago. My dreams of being a family man also gone with nothing more than a blink. My dreams of traveling the world also gone. My dreams of being different being unique gone. There are millions of people just like me trying to find something in their lives that gives them purpose and direction. Millions thinking they are the center of the universe. Only difference is I know I am not the center. I am just a grain of dirt in the great design. I have understood this and I have come to accept it.
Question is can you accept it? Can you put that ale down, and find what you need in this life. You can have a full belly. But its still not enough is it?
No matter how happy you try to be, how normal you try to get. Those voices in the dark will never stop talking will they? And the more you try to silence them in those late night hours, the more they scream at you. I know it, because I have the same thing happen to me. And even when you try and listen to what the voices tell you to do and you do it, they wont keep quiet. They never stay quiet. Do they Rumpke?
I do not believe you could ever be a seagull. Your mind is too cluttered for that to ever happen. It is a pity, we need more seagulls in this world.
I can't believe a single word that you're saying
I see your lips moving, but nothing's coming out
Who can believe a single word that you're saying
I see your lips moving& but I can't figure it out
I'm afraid of the crucifix hanging on my wall
You hear yourself screaming,but nothing's coming out
I'm afraid of the shadows dancing on my wall
I hear them laughing at me,but I can't figure it out
I know my limitations
I just don't know when to quit
I know when I'm addicted
But no, I can't get enough of that shit, what?
Jesus - Make everything all right
Where'd everybody go?
I know I'm losing, but I don't know what to do
Sweet Jesus make it go away
Mary, Joseph what I should I say?
What do I do?
When I was alone you just laughed at me
I held out my hand, you just closed your eyes
I only wanted to be good
All I wanted was a chance to make things right
Twenty thousand leagues deep on the mic
Mass murder, court convicted, terroristic creature of the night
No, don't let me get freaky tonight
No, don't feed me tonight
I been drinking way to much Jagermeister
Mommy pray for me, cause I'm not feeling right
I've been hearing these voices
They're telling me to take my own life
Breathe my last breath, eat my last meal
You got what you deserve
How's that feel?!
