Post by Joey on May 14, 2019 14:16:04 GMT -5
I am sitting in my kitchen, slow hum of the coffee machine brewing coffee. It seems I have been sitting somewhere for so long that at times I forget what I am waiting for. The coffee machine finally rings, reminding me it is done, reminding me of what I am waiting for. I slowly get up and grab a mug from the cupboard. I press the release button and soon my cup is full. Black liquid simmering, wanting to be used, wanting to be tasted. I grab some milk from the fridge and pour some in the cup almost to the rim. I take a small sip so it does not overflow. The warm liquid almost burning my lips and tongue. But it is OK, I deserve to be punished.
I grab a spoon and mix the milk in with the coffee. I grab the sugar and end up putting so much sugar the cup almost overflows again. I take another sip, this time it is not so hot.
I honestly do not know why I am drinking coffee anyway. I do not particularly like the drink. It doesn't even do much to really wake me up. Its really a nasty drink to be honest. It yellows your teeth, keeps you awake when you try to sleep. Its makes your breath stink. Really how so many people can drink this slurp is beyond me. I really only drink it because certain women in my life that mattered drank this and that and only that is the reason why I try this.
Its funny the things we do for the people we care for. Or the things we do for the people we remember. As I get older and older I realize my memories are all I have. All that I will have left. And I feel alone in this. Maybe its because I never married, never had children of my own. Maybe I am missing something I never realized that I needed. But we all need to feel connected. Bound to something more than ourselves.
It doesn't matter if only a handful of people care for it, the thing is that it matters. That it existed, even in passing by stories or forgotten stories. I mean look at SFT. We have had literally thousands of members over our glorious 23 year history. And how many of them have grown up, gotten married, had children? How many have passed away. How many started to work some crummy job and never got heard from again. Life has a way of evening things out. Some grew up, some grew out, some went away, some died, some are still here. Point is, we were all part of the same place. And this place was part of all of those. How many passed each other on the street without knowing they were all part of the one and only SFT. Sitting in a shop, in a boardroom, in a bar or restaurant. And whether we became a distant memory to them or forgotten altogether, we existed, they existed, and we were connected. Times change, people change, people forget. But some of us never forgot them. And I think that makes a difference. We pray for our dead and hope they pray for us. Hope they remember us to in some small way. That we too mattered, that we meant something if only for a fleeting moment. That’s what life is after all, a fleeting passing by moment.
I stir my coffee more and more, wondering what the point of this is? But I already know the answer to that. What we do….what we do is sometimes more for others than for ourselves. Take a my match at this upcoming Titans. Do I really want to face Emerson Embry and Robert Saints? No I do not. Will I face them. Yes, Yes I will. It is my commitment not only to SFT but to myself.
Faces from the past always trickle in but none of them seem to have that same commitment from years ago, from decades ago. They are a shell, but at least the shells still exist. Me on the other hand. I am something more. And what I want, cannot be obtained by simple measures.
No. What I want can only be attained in dreams and in magic. Neither of which I believe. But still its a nice story. Dreams are what keeps us human. And when we give up our dreams, our hopes, our fears, what is there left? Not much of anything really.
Once long ago I knew a man who was but a whisper. He taught me a different way of living life. Not a better way. Just a different way. His views on god and religion was powerful. He didn't care if anyone followed him, or believed him. What he cared about was proving God was not right. His war became my own. But after he passed I gave up. Because there is no beating god, there is no showing him up. So why even bother? And that took a lot of wind out of my sails. Life was never the same for me.
Then someone else passed away, someone more important to me than I would ever care to admit. And life meant even less at that point. Food lost its taste, I stopped living for some time. I punished myself for still being alive. I hated myself. I couldn't forgive myself. I still have not forgiven myself, nor do I want to. There should be no forgiveness for someone like myself. I have not earned it. I should be punished, I should suffer, but why haven't I? Does god seem me as being so inconsequential? Do any of us really matter, I believe not.
And if I do not matter, and nothing I do matters, then why waste time? Because Shadow and Mary taught me that life is to be lived, and cherished, because if we do not live our lives, and try to live it well than that is a slap to the face of those who lost the fight, so many people, men, women, children, want to live and they lose that battle every day. So for me to think so little of my life is an insult to those who truly deserve to live and do not get the chance. I owe it to them to live and try to make a life, even when my every being tells me not to.
So that is why I am facing Emerson and Robert. I face them for all the people who can not do this anymore those who have passed, those who have forgotten themselves, their past, their very will. I do this because if I do not, then I turn my back on myself and my brothers and sisters from our past. I have done many things in the past that I am not proud of. Lost friends, and people close to me. But saying sorry never seemed like the right thing to do. Mainly because I believe that if they were really friends sorry should never have been said.
But I will say sorry to both Emerson and Robert. I am sorry to both of you. Sorry for having failed you in so many ways. You two have been here so long and I never once approached either of you said thank you. Thank you for helping me keep SFT alive. Thank you for helping me keep the dream alive, if for nothing more than for ghosts. And in my age now I see ghosts all over the place.
Thank you Em, thank you Robert for sticking with me and SFT even after it would have been so much easier to just leave. When it would have been so much easier to just give up and walk away. And neither of you did that.
So I have decided the best thing I can do is not treat you like lesser wrestlers, treat you as you deserve to be treated. With respect and honor. Let you walk into that ring with a dinosaur and let you take a 20 years back and let you experience what it was like when I was young and when I still had a hunger. Let you relish the idea that even a legend and founding father can still crumble and fall to the right wrestler. After all that is the point of this all. That any one can accomplish anything given the right opportunity. And that is what you two have in front of you now. An opportunity to defeat me and keep that moment in your life for as long as you want it. What else can I say?
I take one drink from my coffee and leave it be. That is enough for today.
(Redd gets up and walks into his bedroom shutting the door)
..Fade...to….Darkness…..
I grab a spoon and mix the milk in with the coffee. I grab the sugar and end up putting so much sugar the cup almost overflows again. I take another sip, this time it is not so hot.
I honestly do not know why I am drinking coffee anyway. I do not particularly like the drink. It doesn't even do much to really wake me up. Its really a nasty drink to be honest. It yellows your teeth, keeps you awake when you try to sleep. Its makes your breath stink. Really how so many people can drink this slurp is beyond me. I really only drink it because certain women in my life that mattered drank this and that and only that is the reason why I try this.
Its funny the things we do for the people we care for. Or the things we do for the people we remember. As I get older and older I realize my memories are all I have. All that I will have left. And I feel alone in this. Maybe its because I never married, never had children of my own. Maybe I am missing something I never realized that I needed. But we all need to feel connected. Bound to something more than ourselves.
It doesn't matter if only a handful of people care for it, the thing is that it matters. That it existed, even in passing by stories or forgotten stories. I mean look at SFT. We have had literally thousands of members over our glorious 23 year history. And how many of them have grown up, gotten married, had children? How many have passed away. How many started to work some crummy job and never got heard from again. Life has a way of evening things out. Some grew up, some grew out, some went away, some died, some are still here. Point is, we were all part of the same place. And this place was part of all of those. How many passed each other on the street without knowing they were all part of the one and only SFT. Sitting in a shop, in a boardroom, in a bar or restaurant. And whether we became a distant memory to them or forgotten altogether, we existed, they existed, and we were connected. Times change, people change, people forget. But some of us never forgot them. And I think that makes a difference. We pray for our dead and hope they pray for us. Hope they remember us to in some small way. That we too mattered, that we meant something if only for a fleeting moment. That’s what life is after all, a fleeting passing by moment.
I stir my coffee more and more, wondering what the point of this is? But I already know the answer to that. What we do….what we do is sometimes more for others than for ourselves. Take a my match at this upcoming Titans. Do I really want to face Emerson Embry and Robert Saints? No I do not. Will I face them. Yes, Yes I will. It is my commitment not only to SFT but to myself.
Faces from the past always trickle in but none of them seem to have that same commitment from years ago, from decades ago. They are a shell, but at least the shells still exist. Me on the other hand. I am something more. And what I want, cannot be obtained by simple measures.
No. What I want can only be attained in dreams and in magic. Neither of which I believe. But still its a nice story. Dreams are what keeps us human. And when we give up our dreams, our hopes, our fears, what is there left? Not much of anything really.
Once long ago I knew a man who was but a whisper. He taught me a different way of living life. Not a better way. Just a different way. His views on god and religion was powerful. He didn't care if anyone followed him, or believed him. What he cared about was proving God was not right. His war became my own. But after he passed I gave up. Because there is no beating god, there is no showing him up. So why even bother? And that took a lot of wind out of my sails. Life was never the same for me.
Then someone else passed away, someone more important to me than I would ever care to admit. And life meant even less at that point. Food lost its taste, I stopped living for some time. I punished myself for still being alive. I hated myself. I couldn't forgive myself. I still have not forgiven myself, nor do I want to. There should be no forgiveness for someone like myself. I have not earned it. I should be punished, I should suffer, but why haven't I? Does god seem me as being so inconsequential? Do any of us really matter, I believe not.
And if I do not matter, and nothing I do matters, then why waste time? Because Shadow and Mary taught me that life is to be lived, and cherished, because if we do not live our lives, and try to live it well than that is a slap to the face of those who lost the fight, so many people, men, women, children, want to live and they lose that battle every day. So for me to think so little of my life is an insult to those who truly deserve to live and do not get the chance. I owe it to them to live and try to make a life, even when my every being tells me not to.
So that is why I am facing Emerson and Robert. I face them for all the people who can not do this anymore those who have passed, those who have forgotten themselves, their past, their very will. I do this because if I do not, then I turn my back on myself and my brothers and sisters from our past. I have done many things in the past that I am not proud of. Lost friends, and people close to me. But saying sorry never seemed like the right thing to do. Mainly because I believe that if they were really friends sorry should never have been said.
But I will say sorry to both Emerson and Robert. I am sorry to both of you. Sorry for having failed you in so many ways. You two have been here so long and I never once approached either of you said thank you. Thank you for helping me keep SFT alive. Thank you for helping me keep the dream alive, if for nothing more than for ghosts. And in my age now I see ghosts all over the place.
Thank you Em, thank you Robert for sticking with me and SFT even after it would have been so much easier to just leave. When it would have been so much easier to just give up and walk away. And neither of you did that.
So I have decided the best thing I can do is not treat you like lesser wrestlers, treat you as you deserve to be treated. With respect and honor. Let you walk into that ring with a dinosaur and let you take a 20 years back and let you experience what it was like when I was young and when I still had a hunger. Let you relish the idea that even a legend and founding father can still crumble and fall to the right wrestler. After all that is the point of this all. That any one can accomplish anything given the right opportunity. And that is what you two have in front of you now. An opportunity to defeat me and keep that moment in your life for as long as you want it. What else can I say?
I take one drink from my coffee and leave it be. That is enough for today.
(Redd gets up and walks into his bedroom shutting the door)
..Fade...to….Darkness…..
