Post by 404zilla on Aug 29, 2018 21:53:32 GMT -5
We fade in to 404, in his garage, leaning on the flatbed of his truck. His face is painted gray, per usual, and his t-shirt has a picture of an old lady on it, with the words "WHERE'S THE BEEF?" written underneath. And for some reason, he's eating a banana. Probably just needs potassium.
OK, never mind, he's done with the banana. He tosses the peel to the side, sniffs loudly, and speaks:
404: "Kay, fuckers. Prepare your skull-peanuts because I'm about to blow them. You ready? No, I mean are you holding the sides of your head? No, I'm serious, in just a few seconds I'm going to show you something so beyond your comprehension, that it's gonna crack that useless thirty pounds of neck-baggage right in half. You ready? Okay, well, ready or not, here it comes!"
Suddenly, this image flashes on the screen:
After a few seconds, it goes back to 404. His nose is bleeding a little bit.
404: "OK, I'll admit, that still kinda blows my mind as well. What you're seeing there is a strange phenomena known as shades of gray. See, it turns out that not everything in life is as simple as good-slash-bad... black-slash-white... stuffing-slash-potatoes... NO! Science has revealed that most things in life do NOT adhere to an extreme all-or-nothing sort of viewpoint. So, uh, why am I giving you this lesson in science, one wonders? Hmmm..."
Hook jaw with hand, look to the sky questioningly. 404 is a proper philosopher. After a few seconds, a big grin.
404: "Well, you see, I'm gonna be in a 4-corners match with three other persons of interest at Titans 41, and we'll get to those doomed little crunch-bugs in just a bit, but I just want to take a moment to remind the folks watching that, yeeeees, I KNOOOOOW you're used to SFT's simplistic sussing of situations as either 'super-sweet' or 'satan's-shit', but I want you to know that everyone in this match is a living breathing human being that is trying their hardest, possesses some good qualities as well as bad qualities, and if any of them were in line with me at the supermarket, I wouldn't go out of my way to make their shopping experience inconvenient, no matter what opinions they may or may not have about the latest season of Luke Cage on Netflix."
He swiftly holds up an index card that says "IT WAS JUST OKAY, NOT GREAT". Then he tosses it to the side and holds his hands up, fingers splayed:
404: "Likewise, we're four people in a match that can only have one winner, and one loser. You heard me, ONE loser. Again, I know the headache you're experiencing must be massive, but take an aspirin and follow this brain-train all the way to the station. I believe in you, you can do this! Two people in this match will be neither winners nor losers. They won't be the one that got pinned, and they won't be the one going home with all the tasty bananas. They'll be more than losers, but less than winners. Shades... of... gray."
He stares into the camera for just a few seconds, then his hands go into a shrug motion.
404: "So what's the point? Do I even have one? Eh, probably not. Anyways, let's talk about three very nice people who will not be winners at Titans 41, whadda-ya-say?"
He chuckles, and then hops off of his flatbed, walking a few steps towards the camera.
404: "You know what there just isn't enough of in professional wrestling in general and SFT specifically? Self-described crazy people. Opponents that list their insanity as some sort of tactical advantage, because y'know, all those true stories of ninjas and super-soldiers weaponizing their ADHD and schizophrenia. Ooooh, I'm so scared of some unfocused wack-a-doo thinking I'm the grape-flavored space devil that killed their tennis partner or whatever. For anyone out there that thinks the "crazy hardcore fucker" thing hasn't run itself so deep into the ground that it's teabagging the Earth's core, I'll let you try and figure out which of my opponents I'm actually talking about. Yeah, see my point yet?"
He makes a finger-gun gesture to his temple and lolls his tongue out, before he continues.
404: "I'll start with Mya Denton, Nirvana's ex. Her moves list looks like a page of slurs from a Reddit post about ableism. And hey, you can't say she practices what she preaches, because you'd HAVE to be crazy to divorce Nirvana, amirite? Or marry him in the first place. Or, something. Also, I heard somewhere that she thinks the Earth is triangle-shaped and that chemtrails taste like peppermint and mind control. Craaaaaaazy! Of course, all of that is irrelevant, right? The important question is, what's her fighting skill like? Well, Nirvana knocked her up, so we know she's no good at blocking short-ranged attacks, hyuk-hyuk, cue the laugh track, but no, really, I heard she can really throw down. Allegedly she's a "technical" wrestler, which I dunno, I never figured hurricanranas and springboards to be "technical" moves, but hey, when you're crazy, then words can mean whatever you want them to mean. You do you, boo."
He makes a click sound with his mouth and winks. Then he runs his fingers through his hair and puts one hand on his hip.
404: "Next up, we got Jamo, who I was really upset to find out isn't a mutant being made of jam. Because c'mon, that would be awesome. Walking talking wrestling jam?! Every show would be standing-room-only! But no, it's just another "ooh I'm crazy" garden variety bag of disconnected head-nuts. Apparently he's intimidating because he's been to a psychiatric hospital and hears voices, because y'know, my grandma became a total bad-ass after the dementia set in. He was just in another multi-person clusterfuckleberry match at Titans 40, so he's coming into Titans 41 with some relevant experience and could very well- oh wait, he lost that one. And it only had three people in it. And this one has four, which for those of you watching who had to go to a crazy house because their brains are garbage, is a higher number than three. So hey, good luck, I guess. I won't be betting on you, but maybe someone who loves hopeless causes and hates their own money will bet on you. Don't stop believin'."
He pauses for a moment. Then he's done pausing. With arms back up in "talk with his hands" mode, he continues.
404: "Last but not listed, at least not in SFT's bio section, is Lionel Kingston. I seem to recall my mentor Travis 16 took a dump in his gym bag at one point, something about a post-match attack storyline that didn't go anywhere, other than that though I have to admit the name doesn't really ring any bells. I expect he'll be looking to coast on his reputation. Fair enough, but since I'm one of the surfaces he's planning on coasting over, I better make it clear that I'm a rocky ride, bubbeleh. Strap in. I might not be the worst ass-kicking you've ever had, but I'm definitely gonna be the most recent. Yep."
He exhales and leans back on the flatbed of his truck.
404: "And to all of you, a final thought. SFT's security kept me away from the main event of Titans 40, so I'm already fed up to HERE with career boneheads trying to make a liar out of me. You see, I made a promise to Louis Cypher - one way or another, I was gonna test his willingness to hold the Hardcore Title, and be this company's example of the hardcore division. Let me cut to the chase... I find him lacking, and I'm not the only one. So I'm going into this as a man with more to prove than just 'how loony-tunes I can act when the cameras are rolling', or 'how big a nostalgia pop I'm gonna get for coming back'... No... I am determined to be a keeper of promises. If slapping the crazy-slash-lazy out of all you fine fellow fight-fight fuckers is what it takes to finally close the gap between 404 and Louis Cry-pher... To finally leave that sniveling, self-loathing, belt-burying wannabe tough-guy without any more excuses, then hey, at least you'll get a paycheck out of the deal. Well, that, and some lovely new contusions to spend it on."
He slams his fist into his hand.
404: "Because I might not be rocking a "crazy" gimmick, but I am gonna be seeing things in that ring at Titans 41. I'm gonna be seeing all three of your faces, as the face of a man who has been dodging a genuine ass-beating for far too long. So stick your tongues out, cos it's gonna get tasty."
He then whoops out loud several times and does a barrel roll. Shut up, he just does.
Fade out.
OK, never mind, he's done with the banana. He tosses the peel to the side, sniffs loudly, and speaks:
404: "Kay, fuckers. Prepare your skull-peanuts because I'm about to blow them. You ready? No, I mean are you holding the sides of your head? No, I'm serious, in just a few seconds I'm going to show you something so beyond your comprehension, that it's gonna crack that useless thirty pounds of neck-baggage right in half. You ready? Okay, well, ready or not, here it comes!"
Suddenly, this image flashes on the screen:
After a few seconds, it goes back to 404. His nose is bleeding a little bit.
404: "OK, I'll admit, that still kinda blows my mind as well. What you're seeing there is a strange phenomena known as shades of gray. See, it turns out that not everything in life is as simple as good-slash-bad... black-slash-white... stuffing-slash-potatoes... NO! Science has revealed that most things in life do NOT adhere to an extreme all-or-nothing sort of viewpoint. So, uh, why am I giving you this lesson in science, one wonders? Hmmm..."
Hook jaw with hand, look to the sky questioningly. 404 is a proper philosopher. After a few seconds, a big grin.
404: "Well, you see, I'm gonna be in a 4-corners match with three other persons of interest at Titans 41, and we'll get to those doomed little crunch-bugs in just a bit, but I just want to take a moment to remind the folks watching that, yeeeees, I KNOOOOOW you're used to SFT's simplistic sussing of situations as either 'super-sweet' or 'satan's-shit', but I want you to know that everyone in this match is a living breathing human being that is trying their hardest, possesses some good qualities as well as bad qualities, and if any of them were in line with me at the supermarket, I wouldn't go out of my way to make their shopping experience inconvenient, no matter what opinions they may or may not have about the latest season of Luke Cage on Netflix."
He swiftly holds up an index card that says "IT WAS JUST OKAY, NOT GREAT". Then he tosses it to the side and holds his hands up, fingers splayed:
404: "Likewise, we're four people in a match that can only have one winner, and one loser. You heard me, ONE loser. Again, I know the headache you're experiencing must be massive, but take an aspirin and follow this brain-train all the way to the station. I believe in you, you can do this! Two people in this match will be neither winners nor losers. They won't be the one that got pinned, and they won't be the one going home with all the tasty bananas. They'll be more than losers, but less than winners. Shades... of... gray."
He stares into the camera for just a few seconds, then his hands go into a shrug motion.
404: "So what's the point? Do I even have one? Eh, probably not. Anyways, let's talk about three very nice people who will not be winners at Titans 41, whadda-ya-say?"
He chuckles, and then hops off of his flatbed, walking a few steps towards the camera.
404: "You know what there just isn't enough of in professional wrestling in general and SFT specifically? Self-described crazy people. Opponents that list their insanity as some sort of tactical advantage, because y'know, all those true stories of ninjas and super-soldiers weaponizing their ADHD and schizophrenia. Ooooh, I'm so scared of some unfocused wack-a-doo thinking I'm the grape-flavored space devil that killed their tennis partner or whatever. For anyone out there that thinks the "crazy hardcore fucker" thing hasn't run itself so deep into the ground that it's teabagging the Earth's core, I'll let you try and figure out which of my opponents I'm actually talking about. Yeah, see my point yet?"
He makes a finger-gun gesture to his temple and lolls his tongue out, before he continues.
404: "I'll start with Mya Denton, Nirvana's ex. Her moves list looks like a page of slurs from a Reddit post about ableism. And hey, you can't say she practices what she preaches, because you'd HAVE to be crazy to divorce Nirvana, amirite? Or marry him in the first place. Or, something. Also, I heard somewhere that she thinks the Earth is triangle-shaped and that chemtrails taste like peppermint and mind control. Craaaaaaazy! Of course, all of that is irrelevant, right? The important question is, what's her fighting skill like? Well, Nirvana knocked her up, so we know she's no good at blocking short-ranged attacks, hyuk-hyuk, cue the laugh track, but no, really, I heard she can really throw down. Allegedly she's a "technical" wrestler, which I dunno, I never figured hurricanranas and springboards to be "technical" moves, but hey, when you're crazy, then words can mean whatever you want them to mean. You do you, boo."
He makes a click sound with his mouth and winks. Then he runs his fingers through his hair and puts one hand on his hip.
404: "Next up, we got Jamo, who I was really upset to find out isn't a mutant being made of jam. Because c'mon, that would be awesome. Walking talking wrestling jam?! Every show would be standing-room-only! But no, it's just another "ooh I'm crazy" garden variety bag of disconnected head-nuts. Apparently he's intimidating because he's been to a psychiatric hospital and hears voices, because y'know, my grandma became a total bad-ass after the dementia set in. He was just in another multi-person clusterfuckleberry match at Titans 40, so he's coming into Titans 41 with some relevant experience and could very well- oh wait, he lost that one. And it only had three people in it. And this one has four, which for those of you watching who had to go to a crazy house because their brains are garbage, is a higher number than three. So hey, good luck, I guess. I won't be betting on you, but maybe someone who loves hopeless causes and hates their own money will bet on you. Don't stop believin'."
He pauses for a moment. Then he's done pausing. With arms back up in "talk with his hands" mode, he continues.
404: "Last but not listed, at least not in SFT's bio section, is Lionel Kingston. I seem to recall my mentor Travis 16 took a dump in his gym bag at one point, something about a post-match attack storyline that didn't go anywhere, other than that though I have to admit the name doesn't really ring any bells. I expect he'll be looking to coast on his reputation. Fair enough, but since I'm one of the surfaces he's planning on coasting over, I better make it clear that I'm a rocky ride, bubbeleh. Strap in. I might not be the worst ass-kicking you've ever had, but I'm definitely gonna be the most recent. Yep."
He exhales and leans back on the flatbed of his truck.
404: "And to all of you, a final thought. SFT's security kept me away from the main event of Titans 40, so I'm already fed up to HERE with career boneheads trying to make a liar out of me. You see, I made a promise to Louis Cypher - one way or another, I was gonna test his willingness to hold the Hardcore Title, and be this company's example of the hardcore division. Let me cut to the chase... I find him lacking, and I'm not the only one. So I'm going into this as a man with more to prove than just 'how loony-tunes I can act when the cameras are rolling', or 'how big a nostalgia pop I'm gonna get for coming back'... No... I am determined to be a keeper of promises. If slapping the crazy-slash-lazy out of all you fine fellow fight-fight fuckers is what it takes to finally close the gap between 404 and Louis Cry-pher... To finally leave that sniveling, self-loathing, belt-burying wannabe tough-guy without any more excuses, then hey, at least you'll get a paycheck out of the deal. Well, that, and some lovely new contusions to spend it on."
He slams his fist into his hand.
404: "Because I might not be rocking a "crazy" gimmick, but I am gonna be seeing things in that ring at Titans 41. I'm gonna be seeing all three of your faces, as the face of a man who has been dodging a genuine ass-beating for far too long. So stick your tongues out, cos it's gonna get tasty."
He then whoops out loud several times and does a barrel roll. Shut up, he just does.
Fade out.
