Post by 404zilla on Aug 18, 2018 13:11:55 GMT -5
Oh look, someone helpfully printed the SFT logo onto a big vinyl banner and draped it back stage.
Voice (off-screen): "...and the guy tells the clerk he's only got Canadian money, but the clerk is all 'this is a gas station not a bank', and-"
2nd Voice (off-screen): "The camera's up and running."
1st Voice (off-screen): "OH! OK, gotta do my thing. Moral of that story is, Canadians aren't as polite as the fake news media claims they are. Blood everywhere. Even had to make a new Slushee. OK gotta go, bye Mom!"
Footsteps. Two seconds later, a scruffy dude with wild eyes and a ~winning~ smile appears in front of the helpful banner. His face is coated in grey facepaint. He's holding a plastic "smartphone" in one hand that is clearly a candy dispenser. He pours out a big handful of the candy, pops them into his mouth, and crunches twice loudly, eating the small hard candies very swiftly.
Person: "BUUUURP"
Three colorful bits of candy cling to the side of his mouth. He smiles again, for just a little too long, and then speaks:
Person: "Hi, I'm 404! I used to watch SFT back when Emerson's gimmick was eating his lunch during every promo, so hey, this was my tribute to you, big guy. Much love. I was just gonna beat off into a sock with 'Batshit Ranting' written on the side, but that might have gotten me sued by Ataxia for counterfeiting his merch, so I went with the candy thing instead."
He tosses the toy phone to the side. It clatters to the ground with a hollow plastic sound.
404: "So your champion wants to make SFT great again, and he's got some help a few days ago from another SFT alumnus who, let's be candid here, is a man almost as handsome as I am."
The three bits of candy at the corner of his mouth finally fall off.
404: "It just so happens that I've been getting trained for... oh, we'll just call it 'wrestling'... by a man who is familiar with your org, Travis 16. He was only here a little while, and says he wasn't all that impressed, but hey, I grew up watching you cool dudes on TV, or anyways the TV was on and you were on it while I was coloring in Ninja Turtles, but I remember it was definitely SFT probably. And I told Travis, I said, hey, I should go try out for them! Be bold! RAWR!"
His arms are spread out wide, like he's showing you that he caught a really big fish, or maybe he's eating an invisible sandwich.
404: "He thought that was a stupid idea, but you gotta know him. Smart guy, kinda negative. If he thinks something is only 'stupid', as opposed to, saaaaaay, 'fucking ridiculous', then it might not actually be that bad an idea. I told him, I said, I'm gonna go fill that need! I know what I wanna do, you're not my dad! I'm a big boy, and I want a big cereal! It was about that time that Travis slapped me for being hyper and weird again, told me to stop eating smartphone candy for lunch, and said if I was gonna go in, I gotta go in big. 'Big nuts swinging', as he put it."
He emphasizes his point by holding his hands out like he's cupping testicles the sizes of cantaloupes.
404: "So anyways, I show up here, with no name and no history, manage to get a contract without a try-out match because clearly I ooze professionalism, and I'm offered a match on Titans 41. Cool beans, m'dudes! Looking forward to it, can't wait to show the fans- oh wait wait wait, what's this about a Hardcore Championship?"
A creepy smile creeps across the creeping face of this creep.
404: "The Hardcore Championship has to face all challengers? And he's gonna be in the main event that night? In a Hell In A Cell match? Against the guy that took his World Championship and is probably gonna beat every ounce of snot out of him and replace it with some other guy's snot just for kicks? Dude... dude... You better BELIEVE I'm'a Kool-Aid-Man my way into that shit, yeah!"
He barks out a few quick laughs and slaps his own knee.
404: "Let's be honest here, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. And if my choices of first impression are to either wait patiently to wipe some lame-duck jabroni's ass a month from now, or crash a main event and strip Louis Cypher's last bit of fashionable waist-wear, then BABY..."
Finger-gun. Wink.
404: "The choice is clear. PUT ME IN, COOCH! One way or another, SFT's gonna get an extra fast, extra SWEET taste of what I'm bringing to this hodge-podge! Louis Cypher, consider this an official notice, you're pulling double-duty at Titans 40! Or should I call it..."
Deep inhale. Eyes closed. Hands extended to the heavens.
404: "...Titans 4...0...4!"
He stands there, arms up, for a really long time. Then he drops his hands swiftly to his sides and shrugs.
404: "Cut. Wrap. Gimmie back my Slushee."
Voice (off-screen): "...and the guy tells the clerk he's only got Canadian money, but the clerk is all 'this is a gas station not a bank', and-"
2nd Voice (off-screen): "The camera's up and running."
1st Voice (off-screen): "OH! OK, gotta do my thing. Moral of that story is, Canadians aren't as polite as the fake news media claims they are. Blood everywhere. Even had to make a new Slushee. OK gotta go, bye Mom!"
Footsteps. Two seconds later, a scruffy dude with wild eyes and a ~winning~ smile appears in front of the helpful banner. His face is coated in grey facepaint. He's holding a plastic "smartphone" in one hand that is clearly a candy dispenser. He pours out a big handful of the candy, pops them into his mouth, and crunches twice loudly, eating the small hard candies very swiftly.
Person: "BUUUURP"
Three colorful bits of candy cling to the side of his mouth. He smiles again, for just a little too long, and then speaks:
Person: "Hi, I'm 404! I used to watch SFT back when Emerson's gimmick was eating his lunch during every promo, so hey, this was my tribute to you, big guy. Much love. I was just gonna beat off into a sock with 'Batshit Ranting' written on the side, but that might have gotten me sued by Ataxia for counterfeiting his merch, so I went with the candy thing instead."
He tosses the toy phone to the side. It clatters to the ground with a hollow plastic sound.
404: "So your champion wants to make SFT great again, and he's got some help a few days ago from another SFT alumnus who, let's be candid here, is a man almost as handsome as I am."
The three bits of candy at the corner of his mouth finally fall off.
404: "It just so happens that I've been getting trained for... oh, we'll just call it 'wrestling'... by a man who is familiar with your org, Travis 16. He was only here a little while, and says he wasn't all that impressed, but hey, I grew up watching you cool dudes on TV, or anyways the TV was on and you were on it while I was coloring in Ninja Turtles, but I remember it was definitely SFT probably. And I told Travis, I said, hey, I should go try out for them! Be bold! RAWR!"
His arms are spread out wide, like he's showing you that he caught a really big fish, or maybe he's eating an invisible sandwich.
404: "He thought that was a stupid idea, but you gotta know him. Smart guy, kinda negative. If he thinks something is only 'stupid', as opposed to, saaaaaay, 'fucking ridiculous', then it might not actually be that bad an idea. I told him, I said, I'm gonna go fill that need! I know what I wanna do, you're not my dad! I'm a big boy, and I want a big cereal! It was about that time that Travis slapped me for being hyper and weird again, told me to stop eating smartphone candy for lunch, and said if I was gonna go in, I gotta go in big. 'Big nuts swinging', as he put it."
He emphasizes his point by holding his hands out like he's cupping testicles the sizes of cantaloupes.
404: "So anyways, I show up here, with no name and no history, manage to get a contract without a try-out match because clearly I ooze professionalism, and I'm offered a match on Titans 41. Cool beans, m'dudes! Looking forward to it, can't wait to show the fans- oh wait wait wait, what's this about a Hardcore Championship?"
A creepy smile creeps across the creeping face of this creep.
404: "The Hardcore Championship has to face all challengers? And he's gonna be in the main event that night? In a Hell In A Cell match? Against the guy that took his World Championship and is probably gonna beat every ounce of snot out of him and replace it with some other guy's snot just for kicks? Dude... dude... You better BELIEVE I'm'a Kool-Aid-Man my way into that shit, yeah!"
He barks out a few quick laughs and slaps his own knee.
404: "Let's be honest here, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. And if my choices of first impression are to either wait patiently to wipe some lame-duck jabroni's ass a month from now, or crash a main event and strip Louis Cypher's last bit of fashionable waist-wear, then BABY..."
Finger-gun. Wink.
404: "The choice is clear. PUT ME IN, COOCH! One way or another, SFT's gonna get an extra fast, extra SWEET taste of what I'm bringing to this hodge-podge! Louis Cypher, consider this an official notice, you're pulling double-duty at Titans 40! Or should I call it..."
Deep inhale. Eyes closed. Hands extended to the heavens.
404: "...Titans 4...0...4!"
He stands there, arms up, for a really long time. Then he drops his hands swiftly to his sides and shrugs.
404: "Cut. Wrap. Gimmie back my Slushee."
